Military Memories 2

My father was in the Army and served in Vietnam. Even in high school I would read books about Vietnam and biographies from platoon leaders during that conflict. Finally, after my first deployment, I felt as if I could understand some little scrap of what he went through. It was something, but not enough...

Southeast and Southwest

Similar -

but vastly different

You went your way;

I went mine

Southeast Asia -

No choices;

no support

Three tours -

such a long time

Making changes;

some you saw then and some now

Southwest Asia -

I asked to go;

support is waning

Sixty days -

not long enough

Making changes;

using what I've learned

to prepare for the next time.

Military Memories

Veteran's Day is tomorrow...

I have so many memories, good and bad, of my time in the Air Force. Below is one of the ways I set some of those memories to paper...

Coming Home

Dog tags chanting in the wind -

M-60s pointing at the wire

Tents placed in rows -

uniforms and civies hung side by side

Favorite shows watched again and again -

painting a picture of endless possibilities

M*A*S*H and China Beach -

someone else's ideas; a dream made real

Doing something important -

something to be proud of

Set apart from others -

by location and sense of duty

A wish to serve -

to go where others won't

Sunsets over sand dunes -

foreign tongues and customs

The sense of deja vu -

finally coming home...

Something Diferent

I don't talk about my faith very much. Probably because I don't feel I have the right (lest people throw stones) nor do I want to make others uncomfortable with their own choices. However, since Theme Thursday is all about opening myself up (and perhaps thickening my skin) I offer you something different today.

A Song For the Father

I sing for Your mercy -

I sing for Your glory -

I sing for Your power, my God.

Lord, I sing a song of praise for You,

a song of praise You long to hear -

rushing from my lips to Your waiting ears.

Lord, You are my God, the one and only Rock.

I bask in Your love and forgiveness -

knowing that You, my Father, are here.

Lord, I sing a song of praise for You.

Praise for Your wisdom, truth and hope -

Father, I want to come home.

Masks

The idea of wearing a mask seems to be very similar to the idea of wearing different hats. We all wear different hats at different times, depending on where we are, what we are doing or what is expected...are masks so very different?

The Mask

Unhappy and unfulfilled -

living a life for show

worried about appearance -

fear of falling short

wondering what others think -

trying to measure up

losing the will -

then pushing on

not letting go -

stubborn pride

afraid of being a failure -

recognition masking truth.

Seeing is Believing

This is a little more "personal" than some of the others...written in October 1997...

Seeing is Believing

I see what I want to see,

even when it's not there...

I see friendship,

then learn it's an acquaintance -

I see interest,

then learn it's only boredom -

I see truth,

then learn the darkness of deception -

I see joy,

then learn what it means to be shunned -

I see what I need to see,

evading loneliness and fear for one more day...

Addicted to Time

This was written over 12 years ago...unfortunately, it seems we are even more tied to the clock than we were back then...

Addicted to Time

Addicted to time - 

No one must wait

Live by the clock -

Be the first to the gate

Time won't stand still -

Pages are turned

Keep an eye on your watch -

This addiction you've earned

The promotion you worked for -

Brings more than you thought

Your life passes by -

As you watch the clock.

The Rose

For this week's Theme Thursday...let me know what you think.

The Rose

A single rose -

wilted and bent

The vibrant life inside -

all but gone

Fighting to survive - 

questioning the need

Dried and wrinkled petals -

more delicate in their haunting beauty than ever before

Beauty brought about through pain -

the pain of loss with memories of joy

A single rose -

wilted and bent

Worth more for its age -

than a dozen in their youth.

Sharing Thoughts

I've been debating for the last couple weeks if I want to keep sharing my poems...I'm torn. I feel as if by posting them, I'm at least doing something - putting them out there into the world instead of hoarding them. However, when you share something you're very proud of and get no response, it's a bit of a blow...I guess I knew it might be tough from the beginning when I talked about my thin skin. We'll see if by continuing to post, I can make it a bit thicker...

Random Thoughts

Random thoughts - 

meaningless to anyone other than me

Would that change - 

if they knew what it all meant?

Would they take the time to see me -

in all the words?

Will I ever have the courage to share -

knowing I won't be able to explain, even if I could?

Random thoughts -

my life on paper

Fears, hidden in words -

dreams, revealed with care.

The Reward

I wrote the following in the spring of 1999. I don't remember what was going on at the time, just that I was starting to feel like an old maid...

The Reward

A memory lasts

in the mind and it's dreams - 

Adding it's texture

as a rock in a stream

Care must be taken

if it isn't to fade -

A key to the future;

a toll that's been paid

Look back to the visions,

the memories you've stored - 

Remember them fondly, 

they are aging's reward.

POW/MIA Remembrance Day

As today is POW/MIA Remembrance Day, I thought I would share with you a poem I wrote about POWs. I wrote it in November of 1991. I can't really remember what was going on at that moment to bring the words, but I do know I had been reading about POWs since I was in high school and going to the Academy only reinforced that. Out of everything I've written so far, this has remained something I'm most proud of. I used to think about sending it to someone in the POW/MIA remembrance community but didn't know who or where. So I'm sharing it with you now.

Faith and a Prayer (21 Nov 91)

Name, rank and service number –

That’s all I’m going to give.

Please, please, let that be enough –

Just to let us live.

The days drag on –

The months don’t end.

How many years

have we been here, my friend?

The questions have stopped –

Our knowledge is old.

Yet, our cells are still dark –

Our bones are still cold.

A question remains –

Running deep in our hearts.

Why did you leave us –

Did we not do our part?

The years flow by –

There aren’t many left.

Our faces are covered –

In the stillness of death.

Once we believed –

That our country did care.

Now all we have –

Is our faith and a prayer.

Secretary of Defence Leon Panetta gave a good speech today. If you'd like to read it, you can find it here.
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I'm not sure why the intro paragraph isn't showing up right...sometimes it's there and sometimes it isn't. Usually, it shows up when I click on the title. Anyone have any ideas why it's not always there? Funny thing it, that's what I was trying to do with the "read more" thing but that wasn't working and I haven't had a chance to try and fix it.

Strands of a Web

I'm not sure if this is exactly a "poem" but it's something I've written, so I'm posting it here for Theme Thursday. 

Strands of a Web

memories fill my mind until I can think of nothing else -

I think about things I've done and decisions I've made -

wondering how I ever thought they were for the best -

just as time changes our lives, it changes our perception -

of what our lives were or what might have been -

we see things more clearly and begin to understand -

how actions and decisions molded our lives -

decisions and events become strands of a silken web -

that over time grows in size and strength -

adding beauty and color to our lives -

silently threatening to trap us -

within the memories of what life once was.

I wrote this in October of 1997 - about 16 months after graduating from the Academy and two months after moving from Recruiting in PA to Aircraft Maintenance in NJ. 

Palm of Tomorrow

I've gone back and forth with myself ever since I wrote the post last Thursday saying I'd share my poetry. Now, I know I only have two or three readers so it really shouldn't make a difference if I share something uber-personal or not. I've only shown my poetry to a handful of people so it's hard to break out of that and "put it all out there." Plus, as I've mentioned before, I'm not sure I have the thick skin needed to withstand harsh critiques of my most personal writing....

Despite all of that, I'm pressing on, thin skin or not. I wrote this on August 21st, 1991. Classes were probably about to start following 9 weeks of summer programs (SERE, Summer Ac, and CONUS for me). I would have been moving into my new squadron meeting all new people. I'm not sure what else to say about the time frame or what I might have been thinking at the time...Do you even want to know the background or prefer to read it "blind?"

The Palm of Tomorrow 

Ghosts - 

floating in and out of consciousness

Memories - 

of days locked in the past.

Keys -

thought lost, or

purposefully misplaced

Suddenly jingling in a dust filled corner.

Pain and anger - 

heating the metal to a crisp, red heat

Burning its imprint on the palm of tomorrow.

Drawn by the wizard of confusion - 

tumblers fall open, followed by relief

Spirits of tomorrow -

cower unseen, hidden by abrupt flashes of contentment

Balancing on the shoulders of thinly veiled hope.

Theme Thursday

So, I'm trying something new.

One of the things I talk about quite a bit is wanting to have a plan or some kind of routine. I figured one good place to start is with this blog.

I usually just write based on what I'm thinking about or feeling in a particular moment on a particular day. While I don't think there's anything wrong with that, I've also found it leads my posts to be all over the place. I'm hoping if I have some sort of a plan maybe it will come together a bit better.

One of the things I'm most interested in is writing - hence the blog. But I'm interested in all sorts of writing, and not just my own. I love reading, I love talking about books, I love collecting quotes...and of course I love writing. So, I thought I would start doing "Theme Thursday."

As you may remember from school when you were assigned writing themes - this particular word is not just about a "theme of a play" or something like that. According to the Thesaurus a "theme" is a piece of writing, blurb, commentary, story, think piece, etc. Sounds exactly like what I want to write about and now I know when to do it. Plus, if I do want to have a better explanation for "Theme Thursday" (based on any vague or blank looks based on the other definition of Theme) all I need to say is "Literature is the theme"...because it is...

I've been thinking about doing some kind of book review in addition to tracking the books I read. I've also thought about posting some of the poems I've written. I've collected quotes for a long time and have quite a few of them. I've thought about writing some kind of book using all the quotes I've got - why not start with some blog posts? Lots and lots of juicy ideas waiting to be written down...

If I like the way "Theme Thursday" is going, I might move on to one or two of the other days. Who knows? Let's see how this goes first...let me know what you think.

Catching Up

I haven't posted anything in months. The non-blogging started out because I had a huge thing I wanted to share with the world, but really wasn't ready to share it...so instead I said nothing at all. Then I got all anti-computer for a while and am still kind of on that kick - mostly because my day seems to fly by unnoticed whenever I get on the computer.

Since I'm at home and procrastinating on doing Thank You Cards for my baby shower gifts, I figured now was as good a time as any to do a goal update and maybe start blogging again.

2009 Goal Check Up

1. Start/write a blog: I was doing this pretty well until around June. I have four draft posts from June that I never got around to finishing, and then I just stopped altogether. With a baby on the way, we'll see how the whole blogging thing goes in the future.

2. Sing! Join a choir: I joined the Scott OSC choir but then quit. While I enjoyed singing, I didn't like the way they ran the choir. Mostly it was accepting money from the people in the nursing homes (and checks made out the the choir "leader" instead of to the OSC) and the fact that despite being affiliated with the military we didn't sing a single patriotic number. When I asked why we didn't sing the National Anthem at base functions, I was told they couldn't agree on an arrangement so they decided not to do it at all. It just rubbed me the wrong way.

3. Do yoga regularly either at home or in a studio (at least 2x week): Probably only did this 5-6 times and that was back in January.

4. Try three new activities: Once I got pregnant, a lot of the "new" things I wanted to try got pushed to the background...So maybe I didn't try three new activities but I did do some "new" things...Does the Wii Fit count? I also went for a weekend trip to see friends at the spur of the moment; got pregnant; got in a bathing suit for the first time in years and went swimming (more like floating considering the big belly); went to the Grand Canyon...stuff like that.

5. Go on minimum of four “day trips” to see Midwest: I'm not sure we've done four, but we have gone into St Louis a few times and we went to St Charles. We're also going to Branson soon. I keep thinking I've forgotten one of the trips we took

6. Pamper myself regularly: I've gotten haircuts, manicures and pedicures but not regularly...I was completely pampered while we were in Sedona - a prenatal massage, a facial (which pretty much tore up my face, but felt great at the time) and probably the best pedicure ever.

7. Read minimum of 18 books: My goal was either way too low or I read way too much...or somewhere in between...I have read 6 classics (my goal was four): Siddartha, A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court, Jane Eyre, Sherlock Holmes (Vol 1), The Secret Garden, and Fahrenheit 451. I also wanted to read two biographies, which I did - one on Alice Roosevelt Longworth and another on the Andrews Sisters.

8. Publish a Poem/Send poem(s) to be published: Nope...the more I read of my own stuff, the less I think it's good enough to be published. I still enjoy reading it myself, I just don't think anyone else would get it. Plus, I haven't written anything for years, so what's the point of trying to get something published if I don't write poems anymore?

9. Make health/exercise a priority: Healthy eating has become a priority for sure - I'm eating much more fruit and vegetables, but I could still be better. I still love potatoes (in almost any shape or form) and have a sweet tooth like crazy. I'm happy to say the only "real" and constant craving I have had is for MILK! Crazy, I know...

10. Get “professional” photos taken: Hmm, the closest I will get to this are the pictures my friend Theresa has taken the two times I've gotten to see her this year. I would bet we're going to get pictures taken of some sort when the baby gets here, but that will be in January so doesn't count for this year's goals...

So, bottom line is I have met a few of my goals but not all of them. Though without having had goals to start with, who knows what I would have done with my time...? I still have a couple months left in the year, we'll see what I do with them.

2009 Goal Check Up

It’s been 2 months since I decided on my goals for the year. I figured this would be a good time to take a look at them and see how I am doing…

1. Start/write a blog: Since I am writing this, it’s pretty obvious that I have done this one. Though I haven’t written as consistently as I’d like.

2. Sing! Join a choir: I joined the Scott OSC choir – the Heathertones. It has been pretty good so far. Our first two concerts are this coming Thursday.

3. Do yoga regularly either at home or in a studio (at least 2x week): Nope, not meeting it…I did well the first few weeks of Jan but not Feb. Need to refocus.

4. Try three new activities: Nope, not yet…

5. Go on minimum of four “day trips” to see Midwest: We went into St Louis and had lunch at the Dubliner and then went to the Science Center – I’m not sure I want that to count as a day trip, but at least we got out of the house and saw something…need to keep looking for stuff that will be interesting to both of us.

6. Pamper myself regularly: Got a haircut last month but haven’t done anything else…

7. Read minimum of 18 books: I have been doing A LOT of reading (see list at side). I think my goal might have been a bit low – but hopefully, after the weather gets nicer I will be out more and doing more so I won’t be reading as much and it will average out.

8. Publish a Poem/Send poem(s) to be published: Does posting a poem in my blog count? Probably not…I need to look into this some more – find the right place for my poetry, decide on a poem and just do it!

9. Make health/exercise a priority: No yoga since January though I have been walking with a friend – only once or twice a week so far. We want to do more. We’ve even talked about running a 5K together in the summer…

10. Get “professional” photos taken: This one isn’t going to happen for a while…still want to do it this year though.

Expectations:

- Eat “good” more often than “bad” (Hmm, somewhat happening, but could be more consistent…)

- Attend church regularly (not regularly enough)

- MOVE a little every day (got this one except for when I have headaches…)

China Beach

My wonderful husband went out and bought me a cool machine the other day and now for the past couple days I have been dubbing China Beach episodes from VCR tapes onto DVDs. It's not been easy...going through the tapes (over and over) to try to dub them in order. Some episodes are pretty messed up, but there is enough there to get the story and/or the gist of it. It's been nice to watch them again - it's been years and years since the last time.

Watching China Beach again brings back memories I had of the time when I first watched it. I was still in High School when it first came out (1988) and I can remember wanting to be McMurphy. I can remember wanting the camaraderie, the friendships that seemed to be forming before my eyes as I watched. I can remember wondering why my father, who went through the same things, didn't seem to have any friends from those days - but that's something to explore on another day.

By the time the third season started, in the fall of 1989, I was a senior and already thinking about the career and friends I would have following the Air Force Academy. I watched China Beach and dreamed about serving my country and making a difference in the world. Then in 1992, I had medical leave from USAFA and stayed with my father in MA for a year. China Beach was in re-runs on Lifetime. Again, I spent time watching China Beach and dreaming of returning the Air Force Academy and the career and friends I would have after graduation.

Fast forward to 1998 and I am getting ready for my first deployment. I was heading out to the United Arab Emirates for 60 days, only 60 days - I wanted to stay longer and I wasn't even there yet. Finally, I was getting to go somewhere and do something. I was going to make a difference. I was going to have new experiences and meet new people - people that would share these experiences and become lifelong friends.

Some of those things I dreamt of actually happened, some didn't. All I can say in the end is that China Beach had a lasting impact. I have never forgotten it, and imagine it is something I will continue to think of, and watch, long into the future...I just wish they would come out with the series on DVD (I am missing one episode from both season three and season four).

During my first deployment, I wrote the following:

Coming Home

Dog tags chanting in the wind –
M-60s pointing at the wire

Tents placed in rows –
uniforms and civies hung side by side

Favorite shows watched again and again –
painting a picture of endless possibilities

M*A*S*H and China Beach –
someone else’s ideas; a dream made real

Doing something important –
something to be proud of

Set apart from others –
by location and sense of duty

A wish to serve –
to go where others won’t

Sunsets over sand dunes –
foreign tongues and customs

The sense of déjà vu –
finally coming home . . .

2009 Goals

1. Start/write a blog
Goal Met: Started early! 30 Dec 08

2. Sing! Join a choir
I have always enjoyed singing - it makes me happy. As a cadet, I was in the Catholic Choir; as well as the Catholic Choir at Lajes AB. I loved it. At Lajes, I was even an avid participant in Karaoke night at the Club (as long as I had at least one other person with me)! Lately, I haven't been doing much of it and I miss it. OSC has a choir - I plan on looking into it; churches usually have choirs - so, just have to find the church we like enough to stick with.
Goal Met: 16 Jan 09 (joined OSC choir)

3. Do yoga regularly either at home or in a studio (at least 2x week)
I enjoy yoga and I feel better when I am doing it; I just need to do it more regularly.
Goal Met:

4. Try three new activities
There are a lot of activities I have never tried (and some I haven't tried in years). There are also many things out there that seem really cool; hopefully, if I try several I will find at least one I really enjoy! Things like Pilates, Rock Climbing, Kickboxing, Canoeing, Kayaking, Horseback Riding, etc.
Goal Met:

5. Go on minimum of four “day trips” to see Midwest
Every time I have moved, I have regretted not getting out and seeing more of the area. I don't want that to happen again. Some of the places I'd like to see are Hermann, St Charles, historical sites, etc.
Goal Met:

6. Pamper myself regularly (monthly massages, mani/pedis, haircuts, etc.)
Goal Met:

7. Read minimum of 18 books (with at least 2 biographies and 4 classics)
I love reading, so this shouldn't really be a problem - I just wanted to have a couple goals that would be relatively easy to attain. I did make it a bit tougher by asking myself to read a couple biographies (such as George Marshall, Madeleine Albright, Lincoln and/or Teddy Roosevelt) and a few classics (such as Hunchback of Notre Dame and Robinson Crusoe). I have way too many books on the shelves that I have never read - it's time to read them,!
Goal Met:

8. Publish a Poem/Send poem(s) to be published
I have been writing for quite a while but have never had the nerve to send it anywhere. Yet, I have spent numerous hours looking through poetry contests, literary magazines that publish new writers, etc. Whether or not I actually get something published, it will never happen unless I TRY!
Goal Met:

9. Make health/exercise a priority (yoga, walk/run, vitamins, food choices – journal)
This pretty much speaks for itself. I just need to make my health a priority instead of an afterthought.
Goal Met:

10. Get “professional” photos taken
I have never had "professional photos" taken as an adult (outside of official AF photos). Usually, because there is something I am not happy with. Maybe I should stop listening to myself, and instead listen to those who think I am beautiful. I would really like to have some nice pictures of Tom and I (and maybe some with us and the kitties?) for next year's Christmas card.
Goal Met:

I have some "Bonus" Goals which I will add later. However there are three "expectations" for the coming year - meaning these are the things I WILL be doing no matter what and are so basic they shouldn't even be a "goal"...but since I haven't necessarily been doing them up until now, I am writing them down.

Expectations:
- Eat “good” more often than “bad”
- Attend church regularly
- MOVE a little every day