Can I be a butterfly?

One of the blogs I have been reading as long as I've even known what a blog was is Roni's Weigh.

I've used her graphs and charts to try to help me lose weight. I've used her recipes from Green Light Bites to make healthy and good tasting meals and snacks. I've read about her good days and when she faces her fears and tries new things. I've read about her bad days and how she handles them. Her blog is one of two that I still read five years after I started (Pioneer Woman is the other...).

Yet, in one of my comments a few days ago, I unintentionally made her feel bad. I feel as if I hurt a friend though we've never met. I'm not sure if she actually felt bad or sad but I do know my comment inspired a post. Reading the post, I got tears in my eyes (and again, just as I type this). 

Let me back up a little and go back to the original post that inspired my comment.

Roni wrote a post about how she lost her weight. It was a great post. I liked pretty much the whole post but one of my favorite parts was this:

"When I started I simply made an effort to move more. Do more. Taking after-dinner walks, playing active video games, taking the stairs, hiking at parks, going bowling — these were the baby steps that led to things like step classes, which led to running, which led to boot camps, which led to CrossFit. Don’t underestimate a simple goal like moving more. You never know where it will lead and I speak from personal experience, it’s awfully fun to find out!"

After reading and re-reading the post, I wanted to tell Roni how much I appreciated it. I thought about my comment quite a bit and this is what I ended up saying:

"This post reminded me of why I started following your blog in the first place - years ago. Lately, I've been skipping some of your blog posts because they seem so far away from my reality - I can't see myself ever doing the things you do now...
This post reminded that you started the journey a long time ago and have worked your butt off (literally) to get where you are today. You are an inspiration and I appreciate you taking the time every now and then to remind us that it's not an overnight trip - it's a lifelong journey. One that we have a choice every day to start or put off until tomorrow..."

The point I was trying to make was that she has been and continues to be an inspiration. That I have been following her for years and will continue to do so. I might not be able to see myself doing cross-fit or tough mudders like she does - but she started out with baby steps and look where she is now! Just because I can't see myself doing those things, doesn't mean I should ever think that I CAN'T do them. Just like Roni and everyone else, I've got to start somewhere and believe that I can do anything I set my heart and mind to do. I've got to remember, just as I said in my comment, that it's not an overnight trip - it's a lifelong journey and I'd best get started.

A few days later, Roni posted about going from being a caterpillar to being a butterfly. It was another great post. Unfortunately for me, it started out with my comment. Roni stated that through my comment "Sam touched on a fear I have. One I think gets magnified because I blog. Not only am I trying to figure out this whole weight loss,  maintenance, fitness, new identity thing, but I’m doing it in a very public way, which also happens to effect my livelihood. Hello, pressure!" 

Adding pressure or making her doubt her livelihood was totally not what I meant to do with my comment. I so admire people like Roni who blog - especially those who blog openly (not hiding behind a nickname, etc...) and who blog about real things such as trying to lose weight, trying new things and risking failure, and just all in all about how life is not easy or perfect but you just have to go for it. They open themselves up to people like me who make comments about their writing sometimes even critiquing their thoughts and fears and everyday existence. People who don't even comment using their real name (though "Sam" is my real nickname...).

Roni went on to talk about how hard it is to change and about how hard it is to really accept yourself once you've made the change. She ended with the quote: “How does one become a butterfly? You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.”  – Trina Paulus

She made me think about and realize that I have allowed myself to stay "comfortable" (as in "it's what I know", not that I'm happy with it) within the lines I've drawn for myself and for years have not tried anything new or scary, no matter how much I think I want it. I guess that's the main problem for me - I think too much. I haven't found or embraced the one thing that I want so much that I'm willing to do the work (like building a cocoon...) to get there. I so want to be the butterfly. All that's left is to see if I'm willing to do the work to make it happen.

This is one of my longer posts and it's pretty rambling. The bottom line is that I get inspired by Roni and that's why I read her blog. She has been so brave - not only to make hard changes in her life but to tell the whole world about them. I started this blog hoping to do the same. I hoped to make significant changes in my life and to record the process here. I've still got a long way to go...

[I just posted another comment for Roni with a link to this post and somehow my whole name popped up! AACK. My heart is racing and I'm freaking out. And I'm really mad at myself for allowing it to happen even though I've got no idea how it did. I think it had something to do with "signing in" with google vs just typing in "Sam"...? I've tried so hard to keep at least part of my life private - there's so many weird people out there and so much openness on the web already, I try to limit it as much as I can...I don't mind my first name vs my nickname popping up but my last name too!? How did that happen and how do I get rid of it!? NOW! Any suggestions...? Ugh, I feel like I was right to stay off the internet/blogging world for a year. Look what happens when I try to do something new...

I'm totally obsessing about this...I feel so stupid. It's not as if Roni and I are friends, she doesn't really care what I think or don't think. I just wanted her to see my post and that she inspired me to have a blog. Not only that but now it doesn't even look like I'm the same person who made the original comment because there are different names for both the comments. How stupid does that make me look? Now I've got my full name, my blog address which I've only given to about three people, everything, out there in the blogosphere. Why? Because of stupid pride. Aargh...so much for my short life as a wanna be butterfly. Now all I want to do is crawl back into my cave and hide out from the world again...]

Fitness DVDs

Along with all the self-improvement books that have been accumulating and collecting dust over the years, I have a whole collection of fitness DVDs (and lots of VHS tapes too). Since one of the things I'd like to do this year is to really work on getting healthy and fit, I decided I could kill two birds with one stone by working my way through my fitness DVDs.

I went through all the DVDs (we don't have a VCR set up right now) and picked out one DVD to try per month. My goal is to try each DVD for at least four weeks. At the end of the four weeks, I'll decide whether to keep the DVD to try again later or to add it to the get rid of pile. Based on what some of these DVDs are going for on Amazon, I might try to sell them if I don't want them (the Crunch video I chose for April is going for over $40 for used DVDs--crazy!).

Here is my proposed schedule:

January: Buff Brides

February: Callanetics

March: Shape Bikini Boot Camp

April: The FIRM Cardio Sculpt

May: Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred

June: Crunch Super SlimDown (Pilates Yoga Blend)

July: The FIRM Body Sculpt

August: Jillian Michaels Banish Fat Boost Metabolism

September: Super Callanetics

October: Self Slim and Sleek FAST

November: CORE Rythms

December: Hoopnotica

Have you done any of these fitness DVDs? Or heard anything about them? Or maybe you have a fitness DVD you enjoy doing or have gotten good results from? Let me know...

100 Days

Actually, it's 99 days. Yesterday was the day when it was 100 days until the end of the year. I just thought 100 days sounded better than 99 for a title...

I don't remember ever even thinking about things like "100 days left" in a year. This year it seems to be all over Twitter. I wonder how come?

Anyway, my problem is that as soon as I saw "100 days left in the year" I started thinking of all the things I might be able to get done in that time. If you've read any of my past posts, you know I've always got lists of things I want to do and get done. So of course, ever since yesterday, I keep thinking of things to add to the "get done in the next 100 days" list. The fact that I didn't even get the blog done until 99 days should tell you something...it's been a busy week.

So here are a few things I've been thinking:

Lose 10 pounds - pretty doable considering I have almost 100 days to do it (would be great if it ends up being more than 10...)

Start walking again (a couple/few times a week)

Start the McGuire scrapbook and get at least three months worth of pages done

Sort through "stuff" - enough to take three trips to Goodwill (or throw the stuff away)

Doesn't seem like too much...most are things that can be done at the same time. A quote I recently saw was something along the lines of "the bridge between goals and accomplishments is discipline." So, I guess we'll see if I manage to accomplish any of these in the next 99 days...it's worth a shot, right?

Life List

It seems as if in the last few years everyone has written a bucket list. I like the term "life list" better. It's stuff that someone wants to accomplish during their lifetime - not just stuff to do before you die. I guess it's really the same thing but maybe a more optimistic way of looking at it.

I wrote out a life list years ago - I remember waiting for a Boston Pops concert to start and just started scribbling stuff I wanted to do on a piece of scrap paper from my purse. I kept that list for a really long time. I'm pretty sure I actually still have it somewhere. As my husband would attest, I keep all kinds of odds and ends thinking I might use/need them someday.

I'm pretty sure most of the things on my current life list were on that first one. Since I wrote that list almost 20 years ago, it would be neat to see how many things I've accomplished in those two decades and how many things are still undone.

So here's my current life list (not in any particular order):

Be the best mother I can be     Be the best wife I can be
Learn how to improve my blog     Write at least four blog posts a week     Write something every day Do the Happiness Project challenge     Learn some constellations     Stop wasting time/procrastinate less Grow my own veggies     Grow an herb garden     Set up weekly menu plan with healthy food Take voice lessons     Read the entire Bible     Become a yogi     Quilt more     Go to church regularly

Make scrapbooks for time in AF     Scrapbook Bubba's life annually
Learn how to play poker     Learn how to do my makeup (right colors, application, etc.)     Be less judgemental

Start a children's lit book club     Exercise at least 3x/week     Lose weight     Run 5k without walking     Try Pilates     Complete the Body for Life challenge     Take flying lesson     Ride in a Stearman/biplane  
Fly a glider again     Learn how to kayak     Learn how to sail     Learn how to rock climb (indoors first)Learn how to snorkel (and then maybe scuba diving)     Visit each state     See northern lights     Paint/draw regularly     Visit Scotland     Visit Russia     Visit Albania again     Visit Africa (go on a Safari/see elephants) Visit Portofino and Rome (Italy)

Visit Croatian coast/beaches     See more of Germany     See more of England     Visit Ireland again     Visit Norway     Visit Australia and New Zealand      Visit Vietnam     Walk on Great Wall of China     See pyramids in Egypt     Participate in National Novel Writing Month (nanowrimo)

Time Management

I've been having a problem getting things done. I have more than enough time for the things I need to do and yet they don't get done...So I figured I need to start with deciding what is important to me and what I really want to get done.

Things I'd like to do on a daily basis:
Play/Be With Little Man
Spend Time with Hubby
Clean/straighten house (30-60 min/2x day?)
Blog/Journal/Write (1-3 hours)
Read/Notes (1-2 hours)
Exercise (30-60 minutes)
Cook Dinner

Things to do on Weekly basis:
3-5 Blog posts
3-5 walk/run/workouts
3 hours crafting (photos, scrap booking, quilting)
2-4 Family/Friend phone calls
Date night/afternoon
Plan Weekly Menu
- Grocery Shopping
- Prepare 2 meals for "later"
Vacuum, Laundry, Dust, Clean Baby Toys

So, with this initial list of things I'd like to get done on a daily/weekly basis I need to figure out a daily routine. I don't want to say schedule just because I don't like the word - it automatically makes me want to do the opposite...

I'm trying not to get too frustrated with myself about all this. And I know for a fact that my husband is an amazing man for not already getting frustrated with me. I just can't figure out why after 10 successful years as an officer in the USAF, I even have a problem trying to figure out how to make a schedule/routine so I can get stuff done around the house? Aaargh....

So, what now? How do I change a list of things I want to do into a realistic routine that will help me get things done? If only I had the time to read that time management book....

AF Marathon/10K

Over three months ago I blogged (on my other blog) about my inability to "follow through" and how I wanted to change that by training for the 10K race of the 2011 AF Marathon. At the time I discussed how I have always wanted to run a 5K (I have walked several but never run one) but that I shouldn't limit myself to that and should try for the 10K instead. One of the motivating factors for trying for the 10K was that the 54-year-old wife of the CSAF did the 10K...if she can do it at her age, there is really nothing stopping me from doing it except for myself. At the time I wrote the first post, I had 358 days to train - now I have 245 days.

I also discussed why I wanted to do it - to prove to myself I can, to prove that I can set a goal and achieve it, to show myself that I am worthy, etc. I ended with a comment on how even as I was writing, I was already worried about not following through.

Here I am over three months later and I am no closer than I was back then. In fact I can count on one hand (maybe two) the number of times I have taken a walk or walked on the treadmill in the last three months. I don't even have the excuse of cold weather since we have a treadmill in the basement. I even had a reminder on my iPhone to let me know when sign-ups started for the race. I talked to my husband about it for a bit but then didn't do anything about it.

I think for me the problem with following through is that sometimes (often?) I procrastinate for so long that I essentially take action by not taking action. I subconsciously decide I can't do it or won't succeed so by not trying at all, I can fool myself into thinking I may have accomplished it but ran out of time, or didn't try hard enough or some other such excuse.

When will I figure out that it's better to have tried and failed than to be stuck wondering what may have been...? Who knows, if I gave myself half a chance, I might realize that I'm actually good at something I thought I would fail at...I'll never know unless I try...

So, on that note, I just registered for the AF 10K - that's at least one concrete step I can take towards my goal. We'll see how it goes from here...

More

A few days ago, I read a blog post (can't remember where) on what word you would choose if you had to describe the coming year in one word. One word immediately jumped into my head.

More.

That's my word for this year. When I stop to think about it, it seems wrong to have a word like "more" to describe what I want for this year, yet it's the only word that keeps popping up.

When I think of this year, I want to be more active; pay more attention to detail; do more; be more; write more; love more; forgive more; etc.

Catching Up

I haven't posted anything in months. The non-blogging started out because I had a huge thing I wanted to share with the world, but really wasn't ready to share it...so instead I said nothing at all. Then I got all anti-computer for a while and am still kind of on that kick - mostly because my day seems to fly by unnoticed whenever I get on the computer.

Since I'm at home and procrastinating on doing Thank You Cards for my baby shower gifts, I figured now was as good a time as any to do a goal update and maybe start blogging again.

2009 Goal Check Up

1. Start/write a blog: I was doing this pretty well until around June. I have four draft posts from June that I never got around to finishing, and then I just stopped altogether. With a baby on the way, we'll see how the whole blogging thing goes in the future.

2. Sing! Join a choir: I joined the Scott OSC choir but then quit. While I enjoyed singing, I didn't like the way they ran the choir. Mostly it was accepting money from the people in the nursing homes (and checks made out the the choir "leader" instead of to the OSC) and the fact that despite being affiliated with the military we didn't sing a single patriotic number. When I asked why we didn't sing the National Anthem at base functions, I was told they couldn't agree on an arrangement so they decided not to do it at all. It just rubbed me the wrong way.

3. Do yoga regularly either at home or in a studio (at least 2x week): Probably only did this 5-6 times and that was back in January.

4. Try three new activities: Once I got pregnant, a lot of the "new" things I wanted to try got pushed to the background...So maybe I didn't try three new activities but I did do some "new" things...Does the Wii Fit count? I also went for a weekend trip to see friends at the spur of the moment; got pregnant; got in a bathing suit for the first time in years and went swimming (more like floating considering the big belly); went to the Grand Canyon...stuff like that.

5. Go on minimum of four “day trips” to see Midwest: I'm not sure we've done four, but we have gone into St Louis a few times and we went to St Charles. We're also going to Branson soon. I keep thinking I've forgotten one of the trips we took

6. Pamper myself regularly: I've gotten haircuts, manicures and pedicures but not regularly...I was completely pampered while we were in Sedona - a prenatal massage, a facial (which pretty much tore up my face, but felt great at the time) and probably the best pedicure ever.

7. Read minimum of 18 books: My goal was either way too low or I read way too much...or somewhere in between...I have read 6 classics (my goal was four): Siddartha, A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court, Jane Eyre, Sherlock Holmes (Vol 1), The Secret Garden, and Fahrenheit 451. I also wanted to read two biographies, which I did - one on Alice Roosevelt Longworth and another on the Andrews Sisters.

8. Publish a Poem/Send poem(s) to be published: Nope...the more I read of my own stuff, the less I think it's good enough to be published. I still enjoy reading it myself, I just don't think anyone else would get it. Plus, I haven't written anything for years, so what's the point of trying to get something published if I don't write poems anymore?

9. Make health/exercise a priority: Healthy eating has become a priority for sure - I'm eating much more fruit and vegetables, but I could still be better. I still love potatoes (in almost any shape or form) and have a sweet tooth like crazy. I'm happy to say the only "real" and constant craving I have had is for MILK! Crazy, I know...

10. Get “professional” photos taken: Hmm, the closest I will get to this are the pictures my friend Theresa has taken the two times I've gotten to see her this year. I would bet we're going to get pictures taken of some sort when the baby gets here, but that will be in January so doesn't count for this year's goals...

So, bottom line is I have met a few of my goals but not all of them. Though without having had goals to start with, who knows what I would have done with my time...? I still have a couple months left in the year, we'll see what I do with them.

2009 Goal Check Up

It’s been 2 months since I decided on my goals for the year. I figured this would be a good time to take a look at them and see how I am doing…

1. Start/write a blog: Since I am writing this, it’s pretty obvious that I have done this one. Though I haven’t written as consistently as I’d like.

2. Sing! Join a choir: I joined the Scott OSC choir – the Heathertones. It has been pretty good so far. Our first two concerts are this coming Thursday.

3. Do yoga regularly either at home or in a studio (at least 2x week): Nope, not meeting it…I did well the first few weeks of Jan but not Feb. Need to refocus.

4. Try three new activities: Nope, not yet…

5. Go on minimum of four “day trips” to see Midwest: We went into St Louis and had lunch at the Dubliner and then went to the Science Center – I’m not sure I want that to count as a day trip, but at least we got out of the house and saw something…need to keep looking for stuff that will be interesting to both of us.

6. Pamper myself regularly: Got a haircut last month but haven’t done anything else…

7. Read minimum of 18 books: I have been doing A LOT of reading (see list at side). I think my goal might have been a bit low – but hopefully, after the weather gets nicer I will be out more and doing more so I won’t be reading as much and it will average out.

8. Publish a Poem/Send poem(s) to be published: Does posting a poem in my blog count? Probably not…I need to look into this some more – find the right place for my poetry, decide on a poem and just do it!

9. Make health/exercise a priority: No yoga since January though I have been walking with a friend – only once or twice a week so far. We want to do more. We’ve even talked about running a 5K together in the summer…

10. Get “professional” photos taken: This one isn’t going to happen for a while…still want to do it this year though.

Expectations:

- Eat “good” more often than “bad” (Hmm, somewhat happening, but could be more consistent…)

- Attend church regularly (not regularly enough)

- MOVE a little every day (got this one except for when I have headaches…)

The Decision to Act

Amelia Earhart once said: "The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity."

I think this is true with most things. I know for me, there are many things I want to do, new things to try, places to go, etc...Yet, I often don't do them simply because I allow things to happen instead of making the decision to act and actually DO something.

Thursday I called to get more information about the OSC choir. That, in itself, was a step for me. However, I had to leave a message...So, Friday rolls around and I am out anyway, so I decide to go ahead, go to the choir practice and see what it's like. I get there only to find an empty parking lot and a sign on the door saying "No Choir Today." Very frustrating. It almost makes me not want to try again...but I have to remember, timing is everything and just because mine was off, I shouldn't give up on it.

If I plan on making my 2009 goals a reality, I am definitely going to have to work on, not just my timing, but also getting out there and making a decision to act. I have allowed too many things, in the last couple years, to just happen instead of making a decision and having things happen the way I want or the way I think they should. Then of course, not just make a decision but stick with it. For example the choir, I made a decision so I need to have the tenacity to stick with it. Go again, call again, give it another try...until I have seen what they are all about and can make a decision on whether or not I want to stick with them.

Tenacity...consistency...persistence. People used to stay I was one of the most persistent people they knew because I knew where I was supposed to be and what I was supposed to be doing and did whatever was necessary to make it happen. Somewhere along the way, I seem to have lost that. Now that I recognize and admit it is lost, I have a better chance of getting it back!

So, make a decision, act, and stick with it...Good plan.

2009 Goals

1. Start/write a blog
Goal Met: Started early! 30 Dec 08

2. Sing! Join a choir
I have always enjoyed singing - it makes me happy. As a cadet, I was in the Catholic Choir; as well as the Catholic Choir at Lajes AB. I loved it. At Lajes, I was even an avid participant in Karaoke night at the Club (as long as I had at least one other person with me)! Lately, I haven't been doing much of it and I miss it. OSC has a choir - I plan on looking into it; churches usually have choirs - so, just have to find the church we like enough to stick with.
Goal Met: 16 Jan 09 (joined OSC choir)

3. Do yoga regularly either at home or in a studio (at least 2x week)
I enjoy yoga and I feel better when I am doing it; I just need to do it more regularly.
Goal Met:

4. Try three new activities
There are a lot of activities I have never tried (and some I haven't tried in years). There are also many things out there that seem really cool; hopefully, if I try several I will find at least one I really enjoy! Things like Pilates, Rock Climbing, Kickboxing, Canoeing, Kayaking, Horseback Riding, etc.
Goal Met:

5. Go on minimum of four “day trips” to see Midwest
Every time I have moved, I have regretted not getting out and seeing more of the area. I don't want that to happen again. Some of the places I'd like to see are Hermann, St Charles, historical sites, etc.
Goal Met:

6. Pamper myself regularly (monthly massages, mani/pedis, haircuts, etc.)
Goal Met:

7. Read minimum of 18 books (with at least 2 biographies and 4 classics)
I love reading, so this shouldn't really be a problem - I just wanted to have a couple goals that would be relatively easy to attain. I did make it a bit tougher by asking myself to read a couple biographies (such as George Marshall, Madeleine Albright, Lincoln and/or Teddy Roosevelt) and a few classics (such as Hunchback of Notre Dame and Robinson Crusoe). I have way too many books on the shelves that I have never read - it's time to read them,!
Goal Met:

8. Publish a Poem/Send poem(s) to be published
I have been writing for quite a while but have never had the nerve to send it anywhere. Yet, I have spent numerous hours looking through poetry contests, literary magazines that publish new writers, etc. Whether or not I actually get something published, it will never happen unless I TRY!
Goal Met:

9. Make health/exercise a priority (yoga, walk/run, vitamins, food choices – journal)
This pretty much speaks for itself. I just need to make my health a priority instead of an afterthought.
Goal Met:

10. Get “professional” photos taken
I have never had "professional photos" taken as an adult (outside of official AF photos). Usually, because there is something I am not happy with. Maybe I should stop listening to myself, and instead listen to those who think I am beautiful. I would really like to have some nice pictures of Tom and I (and maybe some with us and the kitties?) for next year's Christmas card.
Goal Met:

I have some "Bonus" Goals which I will add later. However there are three "expectations" for the coming year - meaning these are the things I WILL be doing no matter what and are so basic they shouldn't even be a "goal"...but since I haven't necessarily been doing them up until now, I am writing them down.

Expectations:
- Eat “good” more often than “bad”
- Attend church regularly
- MOVE a little every day