Flag Quilt - It's Finished!

I've been working on my flag quilt for years (read about it here). I finally finished it last week! While my parents were here, we got a bar to hang it and got it hung up (with a little straightening help from hubby). Personally, I think it looks awesome! It's not perfect but I'm so happy to have it up. Not only does it look great but when I look at it I feel a huge amount of pride in knowing that I started and finished such a cool project.

I've got a ton of other projects waiting to be started and/or finished: stacking alphabet blocks for Bubba, place mats and runner, a quilt for the guest bed, another flag wall hanging...and that's just a few of the quilting projects I'm thinking of. As I've mentioned numerous times, I also want to get back to scrapbooking. I enjoy looking through the books I finished on my USAFA years, so I'd really like to do books for the rest of my time in the AF - as well as finish Bubba's baby book. I need a couple more hours in the day, the ability to sleep less without getting a headache, and/or a better schedule for my day...or all of the above! 

Stir Crazy

Is it possible to go stir crazy when you have a ton of stuff to do?

We still have boxes in various places and piles of stuff we took out of boxes but have no place for. Yet all I can think of are the projects I want to be working on. Finishing my flag quilt, making pillow cases for Bubba's new kid-size pillow, working on the scrapbooks for my time in the AF, writing in my book journal, actually reading a book...the list is long. What I should be doing is finish getting moved in. Put things away, unpack the last boxes, and take stuff to Goodwill if we don't want and/or don't have room for it.

I feel as if I haven't had any "me" time in forever. Which is crazy since every day Bubba is at school is potential "me" time...it just doesn't feel like it when I'm doing stuff that has to get done instead of stuff I want to get done. I guess the sooner I get the "have-to's" done the sooner I can get to the "want-to's"...

Quilting Projects

As mentioned in a previous post, I have been working on finishing up some quilting projects before our move. One of them, the Quilted Flag Wall-hanging, I have been working on since I was at Ramstein in 2003!

I was hoping to have it done before we moved but it's got one

more step - hand-sewing the binding and hanging sleeve down. Maybe I'll get it done while I'm at the beach when there will be other people around to watch the Little Guy...

The other one is the quilt for my best friend. Again, I've been working on it for quite a while...never again will I tell someone I'm making a quilt for them. It creates too much pressure. I'd rather just let them be surprised if/when I get it done and it's ready for gifting...

For the blue quilt I tried some new things...instead of "stitch in the ditch" I drew lines (which you can still see in the picture) and sewed an "X" in each square. Then, I really went out of my comfort zone by "meandering" in the large outer border. In the picture you can see the "Xs" on the front and the meandering on the back. I used white thread for the meandering so you actually can't see it on the front - that was in case I messed up (which of course I did, but only in a few places.) Overall, I think it turned out well - especially for my first effort. I still need to attach the binding and then sew it down. Not sure if I will get either done before the move but I'd like to at least get the binding sewn on. Maybe I'll even finish it before her next birthday in July...that'd be great!

Duct Tape, Quilting and Oprah

I've been working on a quilt for my best friend for a couple years now. One of my friends has been helping me to finish that and a couple other quilting projects before we move. So, needless to say, I'm in a bit of a time crunch.

The couple quilts I've done before I've used blue painter's tape to tape it to the floor in order to do the basting (pinning the layers together before quilting). In this case, I couldn't find the painter's tape and the duct tape happened to be handy. I had already used duct tape once before on a smaller project and it worked fine...besides when something needs sticking, use duct tape, right?

Unfortunately, I didn't take into account that I was using a much lighter batting and had used much larger pieces of duct tape. Holy Cow was the duct tape a mistake. As my friend pointed out, it's true there are many uses for duct tape - in the garage...

I'm hoping since the friend I am making the quilt for was also a maintenance office in the USAF, she will find it both funny and appropriate that I tried to make a quilt using duct tape.

On the deeper end, thinking about the duct tape and quilting made me think about the two different sides of me: the over-achieving, fast-track USAF maintenance officer and the stay-at-home mom quilting, crafting and baking cookies for the husband's office...using the duct tape just seemed to be an interesting combination of the two. The fact that it didn't quite work is something else to ponder...

I have always loved crafts but felt like it didn't really fit into my life while I was on Active Duty. Baking for the "office" would set me apart from the guys and not in a good way. So, I just didn't do any baking or crafting...essentially not at all until I got out of the AF.

Someone recently said on Oprah that she thought Oprah didn't like her...that Oprah only wanted the work - not her. That really resonated with me. I think that's how I've felt for my whole life - especially while in the AF. I felt as if I had to work harder and do better than everyone else - that my work had to be the best so that "they" would continue to want me. Every time I was recognized for my work, I felt as if it was just proof they only cared about the work...sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Some days (most days?), I still feel that way...that I need to prove myself worthy of being someone's friend or of being loved. But I'm getting better at doing things just because I want to and because I enjoy it...and like the duct tape and the quilt - some days it works and some days it doesn't...but it's not the end of the world and if it gets messed up or doesn't turn out quite right, it's usually good enough or can be fixed to be better.

Who You Are vs What You Do

Quite a while ago one of my sisters introduced me to "Daily Om," a website dedicated to "nurturing mind, body and spirit." I get e-mails from them every day with thought provoking articles. Sometimes I read them right away, sometimes I put them in a folder to read/re-read later and sometimes I'm not interested so it gets deleted. that's the beauty of e-mail - I decide what I want to read and when...that's a discussion in itself for another time...

The article I read today was about realizing "You are who you are, not what you do." As usual, I didn't feel as if 100% of it applied to me, but that didn't matter since even the first couple sentences struck a cord: "Our perception of the traits and characteristics that make us who we are is often tightly intertwined with how we live our life. We define ourselves in terms of the roles we adopt, our actions and inactions, our triumphs, and what we think are failures. "

For the last couple years I have had a hard time adjusting to the fact I am no longer an officer in the United States Air Force. Ever since I was 16 years old, all I wanted was to be in the Air Force. Everything I did my last two years in High School was to get an ROTC scholarship or, preferably, to get into the Air Force Academy. Then I struggled, and I mean struggled, to graduate from USAFA, including two years of medical leave due to knee surgeries (and if I'm honest with myself, not as much training/physical therapy as should have been done). Graduating with the class of 1996 instead of 1994 was probably a good thing, for many reasons, but most of all because I felt as if I was starting over with a clean slate. No one in '96 knew how hard my freshman year had been...thus, I was given every opportunity to prove I could handle tough jobs. Whereas had I remained with '94, either I myself or others might have held me back from accomplishing as much as I was capable of - simply due to my less than stellar four degree year. (Another story for another time...)

As an aircraft maintenance officer, I felt as if I had to work harder than everyone else to prove that women could do the job just as well as men - despite the fact that I knew/know nothing about maintenance/mechanics other than what I continuously studied so as not to show my ignorance. I also kept myself apart from others so no one could accuse me of being "soft" or being too friendly with the guys. In other words, I wasn't able to be myself. For ten years, I put the AF and my career above my own needs and desires. I was so successful at putting everything else first, that I no longer knew or even recognized anything different. The way I saw it, what was good for the AF was, in fact, good for me.

Now, I don't have that anymore. I don't have the uniform to hide behind, I don't have the mission to focus on, I don't have the purpose in serving my country...So now, (and something I've been working on for the last two years) I have to figure out "who I am" separate from "what I do."

Sounds pretty easy but as I have found, it's not. At least not for me. I've gone from being a Major in the world's greatest AF to being a dependant spouse (have I mentioned how much I hate that word "dependant"...?) whose main contribution to the world is a blog and blankets (well, other crafts as well, but who besides me really cares about my scrapbooking, and family/friends can only stand so many crafts as gifts...). Doesn't do much for the whole sense of purpose and value thing...

What's my point? I'm not sure if I have one. It's just that the article made me realize, again, how much I have always defined myself by what I do/did. I was AF 24/7/365. And now, how do I define myself when I'm not really doing anything? Do I define myself as a woman who tries to do the right thing...? As someone who loves her friends and family and tries to be there for them, sometimes before they even realize they are in need...? As someone who loves creating "art" even if it's never seen outside my own home...? Yet, aren't all of those still defining myself by what I am doing..?

How do I define myself? As a work in progress...