Messed up Friendships

What does it mean when (all of) your friends at one point or another stop talking to you?

Granted being in the military and now as a military spouse, we move a lot so that makes it hard to meet people and keep up friendships. I get that. But somehow it seems as if I must not be a very good friend if people keep dropping me.

When we were at Scott AFB, I made a few friends in the Spouse's Group. Now, I'm rarely, if ever, in contact with any of them. When I am in contact, it's just through a Facebook note or something small like that.

The same goes for friends I made at the Pentagon. I'm "friends" with most of the other Interns on Facebook but even when one or two of them are at the same base as I am, I don't see or speak to any of them. Some of that has to do with my weight and how I feel about myself. Most of it just seems to be that no one feels the need to get together with me. Not feeling sorry for myself here, just wondering why that is?

Now, my best friend (we've known each other since 1997 and have been friends since 1998 or so...) is not speaking to me. She says she's "not 'not talking'" to me. But the last communication I got from her was over two weeks ago. I finally called her and left a message yesterday and she texted me today saying that we're "not not talking" but that she still "needs space" and isn't ready to talk to me yet. It's a long story of why she's not speaking to me but from my point of view it was all a misunderstanding. I'm guessing by her needing so much time & space that there's probably more to it, but if she won't talk to me then I have no idea what she's mad or upset about so I can't make it better or fix it.

The only other person who has ever told me not to call them is my older sister (a whole different convoluted story). I never in a million years would have guessed that my best friend would treat me in the same manner. Nor would I ever have guessed that I'd put the two of them in the same category as to how their actions/words make me feel. Which makes me wonder (as my husband has pointed out) has this friendship reached its end?

So what is it about me that seems to drive people away after a year or two (or eventually...)? What is it that keeps ending these friendships? I know its normal for people to grow apart but it seems as if I'm turning into a serial grow-aparter...

I'm sad and mad at the same time...leaving me not knowing what to do (other than not calling her since she "needs space") or how to deal with my feelings...bottom line, not real happy right now.

Military Memories 2

My father was in the Army and served in Vietnam. Even in high school I would read books about Vietnam and biographies from platoon leaders during that conflict. Finally, after my first deployment, I felt as if I could understand some little scrap of what he went through. It was something, but not enough...

Southeast and Southwest

Similar -

but vastly different

You went your way;

I went mine

Southeast Asia -

No choices;

no support

Three tours -

such a long time

Making changes;

some you saw then and some now

Southwest Asia -

I asked to go;

support is waning

Sixty days -

not long enough

Making changes;

using what I've learned

to prepare for the next time.

Military Memories

Veteran's Day is tomorrow...

I have so many memories, good and bad, of my time in the Air Force. Below is one of the ways I set some of those memories to paper...

Coming Home

Dog tags chanting in the wind -

M-60s pointing at the wire

Tents placed in rows -

uniforms and civies hung side by side

Favorite shows watched again and again -

painting a picture of endless possibilities

M*A*S*H and China Beach -

someone else's ideas; a dream made real

Doing something important -

something to be proud of

Set apart from others -

by location and sense of duty

A wish to serve -

to go where others won't

Sunsets over sand dunes -

foreign tongues and customs

The sense of deja vu -

finally coming home...

Appreciating Veterans

Lately, there have been a lot of articles written about how to "Thank a vet" on Veteran's Day. I even read an article that implied thanking a veteran for their service was a bad thing. The article turned out not to be as bad as I expected but I think part of it was poor choice of words for the title. (You can read the article here. Interestingly, the title has been changed from "When 'Thank you for your service' falls flat" to "For Veterans, is 'thank you for your service' enough? Big difference).

I never really knew what to say when people thanked me for my service. I felt I was just doing my job - and maybe not even doing enough when I was stateside instead of "in the AOR" or the front lines. I think of all the answers I've heard to being thanked my two favorites are a simple "Thank you for your support" and "It's my privilege to serve."

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There are numerous organizations out there where veterans can find support. There are actually so many it's sometimes hard to figure out where to go or who to turn to. It's also hard to figure out which are for real and which may be scams. I had hoped that the Joining Forces initiative would help address some of these issues (see previous post here). However, Joining Forces doesn't seem to be focusing on what is already available and is instead focused on creating job opportunities for veterans and getting big names from Hollywood to make their commercials. If part of their mandate is to "give service members and their families the support they've earned" wouldn't it make sense to create some kind of clearing house kind of thing where people can go and see what all is available for them? 

The only place I've seen anything like that is at Operation Homefront Missouri, where they try to help people figure out which organization or service best fits their needs. Unfortunately, it is more of a local level thing. I had hoped "Joining Forces" would do the same thing on a national level. Maybe they have a plan for it? Might have been good to start with that in my opinion...

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One of my recent pet peeves is how a lot of the new veteran organizations (sometimes even the old ones) specify that they are here specifically for Iraq and Afghanistan vets. Now, I know there are a lot of them. I also know they they have a lot of issues including a high unemployment rate and high rate of homelessness. However, I am not a vet of either Iraq or Afghanistan. But I did deploy for SOUTHERN WATCH and ALLIED FORCE. Does my service not count because no one remembers those missions? That's sure what it seems like...

I may not need the same help that some of the men and women returning from Iraq or Afghanistan do, but telling me (and thousands of others) that we don't qualify for aid because we served in a different part of the world or at a different time doesn't seem quite right either. Is it wrong of me to think that way? I'm not saying there shouldn't be something just for them, just as we have organizations for Vietnam Vets and Korean War Vets. But, why does it seem as if so many of the new organizations established to help and/or support veterans specifically say "for Iraq and/or Afghanistan" vets? Where is the support for the "I served but didn't deploy for any of the high-visibility stuff" veterans?
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Well, I don't want to get any deeper into my pet peeve for fear that I'll start sounding like an ignorant dufus...I love my country; I love that I served and wish I could have done more; I love that people out there support the troops and our veterans..that's all that really matters in the end.

Palm of Tomorrow

I've gone back and forth with myself ever since I wrote the post last Thursday saying I'd share my poetry. Now, I know I only have two or three readers so it really shouldn't make a difference if I share something uber-personal or not. I've only shown my poetry to a handful of people so it's hard to break out of that and "put it all out there." Plus, as I've mentioned before, I'm not sure I have the thick skin needed to withstand harsh critiques of my most personal writing....

Despite all of that, I'm pressing on, thin skin or not. I wrote this on August 21st, 1991. Classes were probably about to start following 9 weeks of summer programs (SERE, Summer Ac, and CONUS for me). I would have been moving into my new squadron meeting all new people. I'm not sure what else to say about the time frame or what I might have been thinking at the time...Do you even want to know the background or prefer to read it "blind?"

The Palm of Tomorrow 

Ghosts - 

floating in and out of consciousness

Memories - 

of days locked in the past.

Keys -

thought lost, or

purposefully misplaced

Suddenly jingling in a dust filled corner.

Pain and anger - 

heating the metal to a crisp, red heat

Burning its imprint on the palm of tomorrow.

Drawn by the wizard of confusion - 

tumblers fall open, followed by relief

Spirits of tomorrow -

cower unseen, hidden by abrupt flashes of contentment

Balancing on the shoulders of thinly veiled hope.

Teenage Obituary

As I was going through my "Writing Box" I came upon something interesting. Actually, many interesting things but this one will come first...I found an obituary I wrote for myself sometime my senior year of high school or first year at USAFA. I can't remember why I wrote it - I assume it was probably for an assignment of some kind, but who knows? I think those of you who know me will get a kick out of it - either way, it's interesting to see what my 17-18 year old mind thought was important, what would mark a successful, happy life...Maybe something I should think about some more and see how it would be different if I wrote it now.

___

Colonel Sam (actual full name here) died yesterday at the age of 53. She died during a test flight of the new Grey Falcon X-18 when the engines malfunctioned.

Col Sam was a recipient of a Bronze Star when she acted, with no thought for her own safety, and saved the lives of 35 Hungarian refugees as they fled from Soviet military police after a peace rally.

Col Sam graduated from the Air Force Academy in 1994 and went on to pilot training. During a night jump her second year, she fractured both legs and was told she'd never walk again. Overcoming great obstacles, she went through rigorous physical therapy and returned to the Air Force to become the first female fighter pilot.

Col Sam and her husband, Edward Johnson, spent many years in Africa in an effort to make the plight of the endangered elephants more well known. She spent her life doing what she could to save this endangered species. 

She is survived by her daughters Elizabeth, a lawyer in New York, and Margaret, a doctor in Louisiana, and her sons Jonathan and Marcus, both of whom are training to become fighter pilots. Her husband, head of Johnson & Johnson, has set the date for the ceremony (to be announced later this week). 

Col Sam is donating her organs and other useful parts for medical use and scientific study. She will be cremated with her ashes to be sprinkled over the ocean.

_______

The elephants and Africa are no surprise. Nor is wanting to marry someone fabulously wealthy. Even the Hungarian refugees makes sense considering I used to think about joining the Peace Corps to "help people."

The main thing I get when I read this is a bit of a "super-hero complex" thing - as if I wanted to be remembered for doing great things, for making an impact to the world and the people around me, to leave the world better than I found it.

I guess that's not really a bad thing...it just leaves a lot to live up to. And probably helps explain why I always feel as if I haven't done enough...now I know those feelings started 20 years ago.

What would your obituary say? What makes a successful life to you?

Fear #2

One of my friends commented on my Fear post from a couple days ago and said one of his greatest fears is "being misunderstood." My immediate thought was that my greatest fear is being ignored or not heard.

Back when I was at the Pentagon I was given a call sign, Ditto. They said it was because I repeat myself all the time. Luckily, it was toward the end of our time there because I was really hurt and offended (thin skin kicking in). I thought because they remarked on (called attention to) a personal "fault" it meant they didn't like me. Every time I opened my mouth I questioned if I was going to be made fun of for repeating myself. So, I think I pretty much stopped talking to most of them and stopped talking in class and/or meetings. 

What a waste. 

Now that several years have passed I can see it a little more clearly. Call signs usually do make fun of something personal...it's possible they meant it as a "welcome to the club" kind of thing and not meanly, the way I took it.

The biggest thing I realized is that I do repeat myself. All the time. I'm so concerned that people hear and understand me that I sometimes say the same thing (again and again) to make sure the other person/people "got it." It's not really a bad thing. I guess it can be annoying for some people but if they're really my friends, they realize that's just one of my things. Plus, if you listen to me and I repeat something then it's a good sign it's something important to me or something that really means something.

Instead of being embarrassed or fearing people will see a weakness in me, I've tried to embrace my "Ditto-ness." Even as I write this post, I'm wondering, have I talked about this before? Maybe I have, but I guess it's important enough to me to talk about more than once.

So, what's your biggest fear and how do you deal with it?

Duct Tape, Quilting and Oprah

I've been working on a quilt for my best friend for a couple years now. One of my friends has been helping me to finish that and a couple other quilting projects before we move. So, needless to say, I'm in a bit of a time crunch.

The couple quilts I've done before I've used blue painter's tape to tape it to the floor in order to do the basting (pinning the layers together before quilting). In this case, I couldn't find the painter's tape and the duct tape happened to be handy. I had already used duct tape once before on a smaller project and it worked fine...besides when something needs sticking, use duct tape, right?

Unfortunately, I didn't take into account that I was using a much lighter batting and had used much larger pieces of duct tape. Holy Cow was the duct tape a mistake. As my friend pointed out, it's true there are many uses for duct tape - in the garage...

I'm hoping since the friend I am making the quilt for was also a maintenance office in the USAF, she will find it both funny and appropriate that I tried to make a quilt using duct tape.

On the deeper end, thinking about the duct tape and quilting made me think about the two different sides of me: the over-achieving, fast-track USAF maintenance officer and the stay-at-home mom quilting, crafting and baking cookies for the husband's office...using the duct tape just seemed to be an interesting combination of the two. The fact that it didn't quite work is something else to ponder...

I have always loved crafts but felt like it didn't really fit into my life while I was on Active Duty. Baking for the "office" would set me apart from the guys and not in a good way. So, I just didn't do any baking or crafting...essentially not at all until I got out of the AF.

Someone recently said on Oprah that she thought Oprah didn't like her...that Oprah only wanted the work - not her. That really resonated with me. I think that's how I've felt for my whole life - especially while in the AF. I felt as if I had to work harder and do better than everyone else - that my work had to be the best so that "they" would continue to want me. Every time I was recognized for my work, I felt as if it was just proof they only cared about the work...sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Some days (most days?), I still feel that way...that I need to prove myself worthy of being someone's friend or of being loved. But I'm getting better at doing things just because I want to and because I enjoy it...and like the duct tape and the quilt - some days it works and some days it doesn't...but it's not the end of the world and if it gets messed up or doesn't turn out quite right, it's usually good enough or can be fixed to be better.

BRAT

April is the Month of the Military Child...

I thought this “month of whatever” was something that had only been started in the last few years. Looking into it, this year is actually the 25th anniversary of the Month of the Military Child! Way back in 1986, then Defense Secretary Caspar Weinberger designated April as the Month of the Military Child as a way to honor military children for their courage and sacrifices. According to Military.com more than 1.7 million children under the age of 18 have at least one parent serving in the armed forces. And it is estimated that more than 900,000 children have had one or both parents deployed multiple times.

The President of the Air Force Association, Mike Dunn, recently sent out an e-mail which included a story describing the origins of the term “Brat.” It’s funny how something starts out as an acronym and then becomes part of regular vocabulary. The e-mail is in it’s entirety below.

I also found a website from 2010 that has a lot of activities, scrapbook page designs, ideas for parents and teachers to help celebrate the Month of the Military Child. Not sure why they haven’t updated it, but most of the information still looks good. Finally, the National Military Family Association website has a link to send an eCard to show your support of military kids. I’m sure there are tons of other sites out there containing information and/or activities. I know most, if not all, military bases have many different functions planned for this month.

As the parent of a military child, it’s nice to know he will be recognized for the sacrifices he will make as he grows up. It won’t make up for leaving friends every couple of years and missing his dad while he’s gone, but at least it’s something.

____________

AFA members, as many of you know, this month is the month of the military child.  AFA has recognized this with a press release you can find here: http://www.afa.org/media/press/AFA_Honors_Military_child.asp

But to honor the month, I want to tell you a story … one that very few people know.

When I was President of the National Defense University (NDU), I frequently bragged about the NDU library, calling it the "best library in the world."  I had reason to … as, before I took over, it had won an award as the best library in government.  One night, at a social event at my home, I asserted the above praise, and my dear wife responded:  "If your library is so great, ask them to find the origin of the term 'Military Brat.'  I think the term is an acronym."

[Many of you may know that the term Brat is a common reference to children of military members.  It is a term of endearment – referring to a group who endure hardships, frequently move, change schools, leave behind friends, put up with frequent deployments, long absences of their parent(s), and (sometimes) inadequate government housing.]

Well – it turns out my wife was right … and the NDU library came through.  A researcher there found a book written in 1921 which described the origins of the term.  It came, like many of our military traditions, from the British Army.  It seems that when a member of the British Army was assigned abroad and could take his family (mostly in India), the family went with the member in an Admin status entitled:  BRAT status.  It stands for:  British Regiment Attached Traveler.  Over the years, it was altered to refer only to the children of the military member (the wives of the British Army [who were all males] objected to the term referring to them).  And the term not only stuck, but in many cases was adopted world-wide. 

I can't emphasize too much the support role of families to our military.  They move all over the world.  Continuity of education, friendships … and even living conditions are often lacking.  The success of the military is dependent upon the safety and support of their family members.

That is why one of the Chief of Staff of the Air Force's top five priorities is:  Developing and Caring for Airmen and their families.  Family members' motto is exactly the same as that of the Air Force Association:  The Force behind the Force

Please share this note with as many others as you can.

Respectfully,

Mike 



Michael M. Dunn 


President/CEO
 Air Force Association

Airman Appreciation

I'm the Airman Appreciation Chair for the spouse's club on base. In the past they've done candy at Halloween (done), cookies at Christmas (done - what a huge to do that was) and candy at Easter. 

This year, especially with Easter being so late, I decided to skip the candy at Easter and do something for Armed Forces Day (21 May) instead.

Operation Homefront in Missouri has generously offered to donate a box of Girl Scout cookies for each Airman in the dorms. They have also offered to donate a CD but I'm not sure if that will happen. The candy (usually 7-10 pieces per Airman) seems a bit silly to go along with a whole box of cookies but I'm not sure what else to do.

Instead of having schools do cards (I had schools decorate the bags for the cookies at Christmas which turned out pretty good) the spouse club stamping group has offered to hand make cards. I helped out for a few hours this morning and I think they're going to be great. Still a lot of work to do though, especially if we want to have them done in time for the meeting next week to get people to write something and/or sign them.

So, if you had a box of cookies and possibly a music CD, what else would you include? There are about 350 Airmen in the dorms but I have a good budget so I think I could do anything within reason (really limited only by time and size...). Any ideas?

Lucky Me

Earlier tonight I was reading some posts on the SpouseBuzz Blog and one of them really touched my heart. It had a link to a song video by Helene Cronin. The SpouseBuzz post originated with the Soldier's Angels blog.

The song is called "Lucky Me". The SpouseBuzz blog had some history: "The song is a true story based on Helene’s trip back from Nashville. Standing at the counter at the airport, she happened to strike up a conversation with the soldier standing near her.  He mentioned he was headed back to Iraq and asked where she was going.  “I'm going home,” she said.  “Lucky you,” he replied."

I've listened to the song three or four times now and every time it hits my heart. As you know, I served in the Air Force for 10 years. During that time I deployed several times. I volunteered for every deployment I could. I loved being deployed; I loved feeling like I was finally doing what I signed up for. Every time an aircraft launched, I knew I had done my small part in making that operation a success and protecting the freedoms we enjoy as Americans. I know that sounds cheesy but that's what got me out of bed and kept me going.

I was assigned to Lajes Air Base in the Azores when 9/11 happened. I was doing turnover with my replacement at the time so there was quite a bit of overlap between the two of us as to who was helping to support our efforts when the aircraft began pouring through. There were a few times before I left that I felt left out of the "action." I was the one with the experience but the Director of Operations felt I should be concentrating on out processing. I understand what he was thinking but still wish he had let me make that decision. I moved on to Ramstein AB Germany where we were considered forward-deployed so we  only supported the fight from there. After 22 months at Ramstein I went to the Pentagon for the AF Intern Program. Once again, I was not allowed to deploy. By 2005, I was at Andrews AFB, MD; again, assigned to a non-deployable unit.

I write out this history of assignments to show that I never participated in either IRAQI FREEDOM or ENDURING FREEDOM. And I really wanted to. All of the other deployments and operations I participated in were not so closely tied to really protecting what we, as the United States, stand for. I'm very proud of what I did and accomplished while in uniform but I wish I had been able to do more. 

I realize I am very lucky that I never had to go to either Iraq or Afghanistan. Yet, when I listen to the song "Lucky Me", especially the words towards the end "Freedom comes at a heavy price; we don't all pay our equal share or know what it's like over there. Lucky us, the ones at home while others go to the battle zone; they are the brave, we are the free..."it makes me sad that I didn't pay anywhere close to my equal share and that I don't know what it's like "over there."

Back in 2003, I was at a course at the George Marshall Center. One night, we went to the symphony in Vienna. That same night, my brother was in Iraq with the 3rd Infantry Division. I remember the music made me so sad I started crying. All I could think of is that all I had ever wanted was to serve my country, yet I was having the time of my life and it was my little brother who was at war. I've never forgotten that.

I am lucky. I know that. And it would be very hard for me to deploy now with a husband and son. I am lucky there are still people out there willing to fight and die so that I can enjoy the freedom to sleep in my own bed in my own home with my husband next to me and son down the hall (and sometimes vice versa...). I am lucky I had the opportunity to serve my country at all and was happy to do it. 

I just sometimes wish I could have done more...

Supporting the WASPs

"I salute you...We of the Army Air Force are proud of you.

We will never forget our debt to you."

General "Hap" Arnold, 7 Dec. 1944

I am constantly amazed as I read the list of who is/isn't supporting the bills (S614/HR2014) to award the Congressional Gold Medal to the Women Airforce Service Pilots of WWII. How could anyone not want to support this? Why wouldn't they have signed on during the first week? How could we, even for a moment, forget what the women of the "Greatest Generation" did for this country?

This morning I was both excited and disappointed to read that Senators from 47 states have signed on to support S614. I was excited because having the support of that many Senators makes it more likely the bill will pass when it comes up for the vote. I was disappointed because Kentucky (my home state) is one of three states (the others are SC and WY) not yet supporting the bill.

I decided to call the offices of Senator Jim Bunning and Senator Mitch McConnell again to urge their support. This time I introduced myself and gave my home town. It's amazing what a difference that made. I talked to them a bit about why I thought this was an important bill, that after blogging about the bill (and writing about it on Facebook) I was actually embarrassed that my own Senators were not supporting it. That seemed to get their attention. They asked for my name and address and said they would pass on my message.

I also called Congressman Chandler's (D-KY 6th) office and urged him to support HR2014. I am happy to say (as previously posted) my representative from IL, Congressman Jerry Costello, has already signed on as co-sponsor, as has my representative from VA, Congressman James Moran (D-VA 8th).

If you would like to see if your representatives have signed on to support this important legislation, you can see who has not yet signed on as co-sponsor by clicking on "Not Yet Yes" which will get you to a database provided by the Wings Across America website. On the website you can also see different ways of getting in touch with your representatives to urge their support. If you don't want to call, you can use e-mail or Twitter. The website also has a really nice flyer and several different post cards you can print out and mail (you can also find your representatives district office address). It's easy - everything is done for you, it just takes a few moments of your time.

Calling

"...live a life worthy of the calling you have received." — Ephesians 4:1

Pioneer Woman recently posted about a friend of hers who went to India with Compassion International. It wasn't necessarily the post itself or even Compassion International that struck a chord, just the idea of doing something worthwhile to make the world a better place.

The Bible verse above was on the Compassion International website. Of course, I have read the verse before. Yet, today, as every other time I have read this verse, I wondered what if you don't know what your calling is?

At one point in my life, I was sure my calling was to serve my country in the AF. Now, when that is no longer available to me, I am left with wondering, again, what my calling is...

How can you live a life worthy of your calling, if you have no idea what that calling is?

Delayed Recognition

As you may know, I served in the US Air Force for 10 years. You may or may not know that I went to the Air Force Academy and had dreams of being a pilot. I did get several opportunities to fly a glider and even got to “fly” an F-16 during a Cope Thunder exercise in Alaska, but I never became a pilot. Reading about the WASPs of WWII was one of the things that fueled (and still fuels) my dreams of flight. Now I have an opportunity, in a small way, to return the favor.

On 12 Mar 09, Sen Hutchison and Sen Mikulski introduced a bill to award the Congressional Gold Medal to the Women Airforce Service Pilots of WWII. As I understand it, the bill must have the support (as co-sponsors of the bill) of 2/3 of the House and Senate before it leaves the Senate Banking, Housing and Urban Affairs committee. In order for the bill to pass, and for the WASPs to be awarded the Congressional Gold Medal, two thirds of both the Senate and the House must actually vote for the bill after it gets out of study by the Senate Banking Committee, where it stands at this moment. I may have majored in Poli Sci, but must admit I need a refresher course in how a bill gets passed (does anyone else hear School House Rock in the back ground? “I’m just a bill, Yes, I’m only a bill…”).

The vote is scheduled for 8 May 09 and as of today, 2 May 09, they still need the support of 10 Senators and 112 Congressmen. At the Wings Across America website you can see which Senators and/or Congressmen have signed on to support this bill. If your representatives have not signed on, please take a moment and let them know you support this bill. E-mailing them is easy.

Visit “Soap Box Alert” enter your zip code and type a short e-mail. A sample message is: "I would like to urge Senator ___ to support S 614, awarding the Congressional Gold Medal to the Women Airforce Service Pilots of WWII, known as the WASP. Please urge him to contact Senator Hutchison's or Senator Mikulski's office ASAP to sign on as a co-sponsor to the bill." Add whatever else you think might help. I sent e-mails to representatives from KY (my home state), VA (state of residence) and IL (current residence) as well as to Sen John McCain. I tried to make each e-mail a little bit personal so they would understand this bill actually means something to me. [Update 4 May: I called the offices of Sen Warner, Sen Webb, Sen Bunning and Sen McConnell to ask them to support S 614. First time I have ever called a politician...I have the power!! :) ]

I can't say it any better than Senator Hutchison when she said: “More than fifty years have passed since the intrepid Women Airforce Service Pilots bravely served in World War II, but these women have yet to receive the recognition they deserve. Even without formal acknowledgement, their service paved the way for all women who serve valiantly in the military today,” said Sen. Hutchison. “Just as the Navajo Code Talkers and the Tuskegee Airmen served their country with distinction in World War II, and were subsequently awarded the Congressional Gold Medal, it is appropriate for us to honor the service of the Women Airforce Service Pilots with Congress’ top award.”

Sen Hutchison’s media release also explained more about the Congressional Gold Medal. The Congressional Gold Medal is "awarded by Congress and, along with the Presidential Medal of Freedom, is the highest and most distinguished honor a civilian may receive. The award is bestowed for exceptional acts of service to the United States or for lifetime achievement. Once approved by Congress, the U.S. Mint designs and creates each gold medal so that it uniquely represents the individual or event being honored. The original medal is then displayed at the Smithsonian Institution.”

There are only around 300 WASPs living today. When approved, the Congressional Gold Medals will be awarded to all 1,102 pilots and/or their surviving family members.

As one of our great presidents, Abraham Lincoln, once said: "Any nation that does not honor its heroes will not long endure." Please join with me, take the time to look into this and then pass it on to friends and family, and help honor our heroes.

Who You Are vs What You Do

Quite a while ago one of my sisters introduced me to "Daily Om," a website dedicated to "nurturing mind, body and spirit." I get e-mails from them every day with thought provoking articles. Sometimes I read them right away, sometimes I put them in a folder to read/re-read later and sometimes I'm not interested so it gets deleted. that's the beauty of e-mail - I decide what I want to read and when...that's a discussion in itself for another time...

The article I read today was about realizing "You are who you are, not what you do." As usual, I didn't feel as if 100% of it applied to me, but that didn't matter since even the first couple sentences struck a cord: "Our perception of the traits and characteristics that make us who we are is often tightly intertwined with how we live our life. We define ourselves in terms of the roles we adopt, our actions and inactions, our triumphs, and what we think are failures. "

For the last couple years I have had a hard time adjusting to the fact I am no longer an officer in the United States Air Force. Ever since I was 16 years old, all I wanted was to be in the Air Force. Everything I did my last two years in High School was to get an ROTC scholarship or, preferably, to get into the Air Force Academy. Then I struggled, and I mean struggled, to graduate from USAFA, including two years of medical leave due to knee surgeries (and if I'm honest with myself, not as much training/physical therapy as should have been done). Graduating with the class of 1996 instead of 1994 was probably a good thing, for many reasons, but most of all because I felt as if I was starting over with a clean slate. No one in '96 knew how hard my freshman year had been...thus, I was given every opportunity to prove I could handle tough jobs. Whereas had I remained with '94, either I myself or others might have held me back from accomplishing as much as I was capable of - simply due to my less than stellar four degree year. (Another story for another time...)

As an aircraft maintenance officer, I felt as if I had to work harder than everyone else to prove that women could do the job just as well as men - despite the fact that I knew/know nothing about maintenance/mechanics other than what I continuously studied so as not to show my ignorance. I also kept myself apart from others so no one could accuse me of being "soft" or being too friendly with the guys. In other words, I wasn't able to be myself. For ten years, I put the AF and my career above my own needs and desires. I was so successful at putting everything else first, that I no longer knew or even recognized anything different. The way I saw it, what was good for the AF was, in fact, good for me.

Now, I don't have that anymore. I don't have the uniform to hide behind, I don't have the mission to focus on, I don't have the purpose in serving my country...So now, (and something I've been working on for the last two years) I have to figure out "who I am" separate from "what I do."

Sounds pretty easy but as I have found, it's not. At least not for me. I've gone from being a Major in the world's greatest AF to being a dependant spouse (have I mentioned how much I hate that word "dependant"...?) whose main contribution to the world is a blog and blankets (well, other crafts as well, but who besides me really cares about my scrapbooking, and family/friends can only stand so many crafts as gifts...). Doesn't do much for the whole sense of purpose and value thing...

What's my point? I'm not sure if I have one. It's just that the article made me realize, again, how much I have always defined myself by what I do/did. I was AF 24/7/365. And now, how do I define myself when I'm not really doing anything? Do I define myself as a woman who tries to do the right thing...? As someone who loves her friends and family and tries to be there for them, sometimes before they even realize they are in need...? As someone who loves creating "art" even if it's never seen outside my own home...? Yet, aren't all of those still defining myself by what I am doing..?

How do I define myself? As a work in progress...

What's Up With the PAG?

Just a short note because once again I am amazed at how self-centered the PAG is...

A couple days ago, the people of New York City were once again witness to low flying aircraft and memories of 9/11 ran swiftly through their minds. The aircraft in question was one of the 747s flown by the Presidential Airlift Group out of Andrews AFB. As a side note, the aircraft was not "Air Force One" since the President was not on board. Of course the people of New York City did not know that. What they did know was the President's aircraft was flying very low around the buildings of Manhattan and being "chased" by a fighter aircraft.

Whether or not the flight was cleared at the right levels and if mistakes were made in letting the right people know is something that will come out during the investigation. Because, of course, there is going to be an investigation.

What amazes me is the purpose for the flight. Souvenir photos for friends and family of the PAG. Souvenir photos. Though knowing the PAG, the plan was probably to sell them in their souvenir shop as well. So, in order to have "updated" or "current" photos of the 747 flying over national monuments, thousands of people were affected. And why did they really need updated photos? Has the 747, which has been in use as Air Force One since 1990, changed in the last few years? Have the monuments themselves changed?

Did no one stop to think about how a low-flying "passenger" aircraft being "chased" by fighters would affect New Yorkers? A second photo-op scheduled for Washington DC has been cancelled. Why not start in DC? After all, that's essentially the home of the PAG and the President. Plus, they could have seen how it was handled without freaking out New York's survivors of 9/11. Granted, there are survivors of 9/11 at the Pentagon and Washington DC as well, but it might not have been such a blatant reminder...who knows how it would have gone down had they done it in DC first. I just find it interesting that they chose NYC.

Bottom line, I think it was self-centered of the PAG to think only of themselves and not how a low-level flyover in close proximity to Ground Zero would possibly affect others. I know I shouldn't view the whole group based on my impressions of the PAG members I have known and worked with, but I also haven't seen anything to prove me wrong. This instance just re-enforced those impressions.

Isolation

In the two years since I left the Air Force, I have spent a lot of time thinking about the things I want to change in my life. One of the main things I wanted to change was how I tend to isolate myself. I wanted to be a better friend, a better sister, daughter, wife, etc. It is just now that I am starting to realize that instead of being "better" I may have moved even further away from people.

In the AF, it was easy to use my uniform, or my rank, to create an island where I stood alone and only rarely let anyone else come in close. Those I did allow in, were not allowed to stay for long as I meant to stay the way they pictured me in their minds instead of how they would come to see me if they were too close for too long.

I realized today that in place of my "rank" I have put on another "uniform," one that is much harder to see around and much harder to discard. I have made myself invisible to a large part of the population and most likely an object of some disgust to another part of it. By allowing myself to gain weight, or more correctly, by hiding behind food and thus my weight, I have created an even more isolated island and allowed even fewer people access.

In my heart I feel as if people do not want to know me, be near me or love me. The outward expression of those feelings is a large size which even I cannot bear to look at. Despite that, I am confused when people don't want to be with me or worse, don't even think of me. I desperately want to be liked, loved, even while I do not love myself.

I have seven brothers and sisters and not one of them is a friend - someone I have faith in to be there when/if I need them. One of them, refuses to speak with me at all and returned my Christmas card unopened. After a full year, he will not forgive me for a situation he perceives as my failure to support him. I feel as if he took advantage of me and then stabbed me in the back, yet I have tried to clear the air and move forward. As evidenced by the returned card - it is going nowhere.

Another sister, the one who should be closest to me, won't answer my calls, letters or e-mails. I have no idea why. The others, I find out more about them through comments from others on Facebook. They are strangers to me. People I would not, and did not, choose as friends but who are tied to me through blood or marriage. They don't seem to have a problem not knowing me or my life - so why do I let it matter that I am not a part of their lives? Why does it bother me that they don't think of me?

As far as friends go, I just found out that one of my oldest friends is not only married but has a son. Once again, I find myself shut out of a life I thought I was involved in. I have tried to be a friend, yet I am surprised over and over when I realize the lives of others move on and change without me.

In two years, if there has been any change at all, it has been for the worse. Yet, I must keep trying, or at the very least learn to accept myself for who I am and as I am, and cherish those who love me no matter what. They may be few and far between, but they are the ones who truly matter. The others, ah, the others...Those I must try to accept as they are when they are near and not focus on them or feel as if they are judging me when they choose to be far away. If I can learn to be happy with myself - the lack of closeness with others will hopefully cease to matter so much.