Birthdays

At this point in my life, it feels a little silly to get excited about birthdays. Every year, I tell myself it's really just another day, nothing special. Then, the day comes and I'm disappointed that it's just another day, nothing special.

It's been forever since I had a birthday party - sophomore year at the Academy is the last one I really remember. My friend Carrie tried to have a party thing for me once when we were Lts...no one showed up except Carrie, her husband and a sort of friend. That kind of turned me off having parties - the fear of no one showing up is a great motivator. Not really the right word, since it motivates me not to have a party but somehow seems to fit...

I opened a box this morning thinking it might be a birthday present (it arrived yesterday after all) and instead it was magazines and books. Stuff I want to read/look at but not really what you want to receive on your birthday. Then, I opened a card thinking it was going to be a birthday card and it was probably the saddest, most depressing card I've gotten in a while, if ever. The fact that it said "Happy Birthday" doesn't really change that it wasn't a birthday card and the content was not happy nor birthday related.

Luckily, I woke up this morning with my wonderful husband and amazing little Bubba - and all is well with the world. Bubba was in a  great mood and we found a couple good Elmo songs to watch on You Tube as Daddy was showering. Then we all had a nice breakfast together before my husband left for work.

Yesterday, Bubba and I were taking a nap when I was rudely awakened by an EARTHQUAKE. My first one. I was a bit shaken up :) but otherwise OK. Bubba pretty much slept through the whole thing - he woke up briefly when I picked him up to take him downstairs but then went right back to sleep.

A few things fell off counters but the only real casualty was a David Winter cottage. Unfortunately, it was one of my favorites. Abby Ruins - I got it when I was TDY to England about 12 years ago. It got smashed pretty good - no hope of fixing it. Gouged the antique hutch as it fell too...It could have been much worse though. I'm sorry it was something that had special meaning for me but I'm glad it wasn't something I really cared about or that couldn't be replaced. 

Now, I'm off to check Facebook and respond to random birthday wishes. 

How Have You Changed...?

The funny thing about Facebook is that people seem to be willing to admit to things they never would face to face. There are so many "quizzes" going around - 25 Random Things About You; How Have you Changed in the Last 20 Years?; Name your Firsts; Three Things; etc. There is some funny pull that makes me want to read these, even about people I hardly know - hardly knew even in HS or college. As if I am really going to know these people better after having read them.

There is an even stranger pull that makes me want to take part. To be part of the group. Yet, I don't share a lot of this information with my best friends or family - so why would I want to share it on an open "social network"? 

I did do the one about 25 random things about me. I thought about it for quite a while - what did I want these people to know about me? What was I willing to openly share that people might not already know? I shared juicy tidbits such as the fact that I like romance novels and sci-fi, that cleaning is not my forte, that I have always wanted to be a writer, that I miss being in uniform, etc. 

I've thought about doing the others. Yet, I don't want to look stupid - even in front of people I don't really know. For instance, the current one, "How have you changed in the last 20 years?" asks who your best friends were 20 years ago, 15 years ago, 10 and now. As I have found out recently, the people I may think are my best friends, may just see me as acquaintances. That would be pretty embarrassing if I were to say someone was my best friend and they didn't even remember hanging out with me...then I think, who cares? If that is who I remember hanging out with then who is anyone else to say different? The things I remember, or the way I remember them, aren't necessarily the same, nor do they have to be, as what someone else remembers.

One of the notes I read shows that the person has lived in Richmond their entire lives. On that one fact alone I thought about doing it, just to show that not everyone stays in Richmond - or in KY for that matter. That one can make new friends - maybe not the same kind as people you grew up with, but sometimes they can be even better because they know the person you are now - not just a grown up version of the person you were as a child.

I don't know if I will actually do it on Facebook, but it is sometimes nice to sit and think of those things...what was I doing 20 years ago? What was I doing 10 years ago? Who did I hang out with...? It's nice every once in a while to think back and remember (scrapbooking helps with that...). 

I have been doing that, looking back and remembering, quite a bit the last couple days as yesterday was Carrie's birthday. I miss her. 

Missing Friends

In the last few months, pretty much since I started going through old pictures to try my hand at scrapbooking, I have been thinking more and more of missing friends. Some that I have lost forever, some that just somehow drifted away over the years.

Facebook has been a great thing for getting back in touch with old friends. I can't believe the number of people I have "found" again through FB. Yet, FB also has some drawbacks. There must be some contest I don't know about to have the highest number of friends on FB, because sometimes I am totally confused as to why these people want to "friend" me. They are friends of friends or siblings of friends or people I have never even heard of who have no "mutual" friends so I don't know how they found me.

Then there is what I have come to think of as the "High School Hang-up." I wasn't the geekiest person at my school but I wasn't the most popular either. When I look back, I think I have had a pretty successful and surely happy life in the 18 or so years since I graduated high school. Yet, somehow, being on FB and seeing people I graduated with "friending" my siblings or other friends instead of me brings back all those old HS insecurities. Do they just not like me? Why don't they like me? WHY DO I CARE? Yet, I do. So I have been avoiding Facebook like an insecure high school freshman. Hopefully, I will get over it soon, because I really do like FB....

I have also used the internet (mostly Google) to find some old friends. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I have been pleasantly surprised at the response I have gotten from some long-lost, missing friends I have managed to track down. Now, I just have to keep in touch!

Then, there are those missing friends that are truly gone forever. Today marks one year since I lost my friend Carrie and her son Lucas. Today I talked with another friend who was also good friends with Carrie and we just spent some time reminiscing and missing Carrie. Sometimes it is hard to remember that Carrie wasn't perfect; there were so many good things about her. She was a great friend who truly cared about others - often doing little things just to show you how much she cared and that you were thought of; she was a great mother - she loved Ashley and Lucas so much, you could tell just being around her that they were her world; she was a good wife - (though Jim would be the better judge on that) when I stayed with them for two months, it was easy to see how important it was to her to make a good home for him, to support him and how much she loved him. The main thing I will always remember about Carrie was her love of life - she was ALWAYS moving, always doing something. Sometimes she thought of it as a flaw, that she couldn't slow down or sit still...but she was able to fit so much into her way too short life. She touched so many people who are changed forever for knowing her.

While I know I can never be exactly like Carrie, nor should I want to be for I am my own person, I do hope that I continue to grow in my love for others and learn to care more about showing love than worrying about what others may think.

I guess part of that will be continuing to search for those other missing friends and keeping in touch with those I have found. Being a good friend is probably the best legacy I can think of to remember Carrie.

Could've, Would've, Should've...

Somehow, without quite meaning to, I seem to say one or more of those words on a regular basis. If not precisely out loud, maybe just having them bounce around in my head. Especially at this time of year when I look back on how things went compared to how I expected them to go.

There are so many things I could've done differently; things I should've done; things that would've happened if I had done the things I could've or should've done.

One of my best friends and her son died in a car accident at the beginning of January. I was crushed. I should've called her more; I should've gone to visit when planned; I could've seen her one more time at the A/TA convention...If only I hadn't gotten jealous over how she spent her time when she came to town, I would've gotten to see her again before she died.

I thought with all those could'ves and should'ves, I would've learned something and changed for the better. Seems as if I haven't, not really. Instead of doing what I could or doing what I "should", I still have a lot of could'ves and should'ves rattling around in my head.

I have learned to recognize the importance of friends and of not necessarily labeling those friendships. Or if I do put a lable on it, realize that maybe it isn't so important for those friends to use the same label as I do. It's great if someone is your "best friend," but that friendship in no way loses its value to you if that friend has a different "best friend" - not unless you allow it to lose value.

I have learned to appreciate time with friends and family even when I didn't really feel like seeing anyone (and it usually turned out great), because I never want to feel the way I did/do about losing Carrie again...not if I can help it.

This coming year will be more of the same - there will be many opportunities to spend time with friends and family. I, once again, have the chance to take action instead of just thinking about could'ves and should'ves after the fact. I have several trips planned that I am already a bit leery about (for various reasons). Yet, I know in my heart that while there may be some bumps, overall, they will be good experiences and hopefully bring me closer to those I am visiting.

I guess there will always be some could'ves, should'ves, and would'ves in life. All I can do is try to recognize them, learn from them and most of all, not dwell on them.

Additional thoughts: It has been two days since I wrote this post and "Could've, Would've, Should've" keeps coming up...while watching a Firefly marathon yesterday - one of the characters muttered "coulda, woulda, shoulda"...then today, a post* I was reading about New Years Resolutions, included the statement: "What you SHOULD or COULD do with your life no longer matters. The only thing that matters, from this day forward, is what you MUST do." It then said the only thing you must do is "LOVE."

*http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2008/16540.html