Book List

     One of the things I wanted to keep track of when I first started this blog was the books I read. For 2009, I had a list thing going on the side of the blog. In 2010, I didn't read books quite as much because I was always holding a baby. Once my husband got me the iPhone and I had the Kindle/Nook apps, I read a bit more. Unfortunately, I didn't really keep track.
     Since it is now 2011, I figured it was time to update and keep track of my reading for this year. I didn't want to lose the 2009 list so I'm posting it here where I can reference it later if needed...
1. Wideacre
2. Agatha Raisin #1-17
3. Siddartha
4. A CT Yankee in King Arthur's Court
5. The Name of the Rose
6. Jane Eyre
7. Hamish Macbeth #1-22
8. Body of Lies
9. Women of Valor
10. Tales of Beedle the Bard
11. American Girls About Town (Anthology)
12. Alice (bio of Alice Roosevelt Longworth)
13. The Complete Sherlock Holmes Vol 1
14. The Secret Garden
15. Some Things That Stay - Sarah Willis
16. Over Here, Over There: Andrews Sisters & USO in WWII
17. Nice Girls Finish First - Alesia Holliday
18. World Without End - Ken Follett
19. Suite Francaise - Irene Nemirovsky

20. The Zoo Keeper's Wife - Diane Ackerman

21. The Rose Labyrinth - Titania Hardie

22. Fahrenheit 451 - Ray Bradbury

AF Marathon/10K

Over three months ago I blogged (on my other blog) about my inability to "follow through" and how I wanted to change that by training for the 10K race of the 2011 AF Marathon. At the time I discussed how I have always wanted to run a 5K (I have walked several but never run one) but that I shouldn't limit myself to that and should try for the 10K instead. One of the motivating factors for trying for the 10K was that the 54-year-old wife of the CSAF did the 10K...if she can do it at her age, there is really nothing stopping me from doing it except for myself. At the time I wrote the first post, I had 358 days to train - now I have 245 days.

I also discussed why I wanted to do it - to prove to myself I can, to prove that I can set a goal and achieve it, to show myself that I am worthy, etc. I ended with a comment on how even as I was writing, I was already worried about not following through.

Here I am over three months later and I am no closer than I was back then. In fact I can count on one hand (maybe two) the number of times I have taken a walk or walked on the treadmill in the last three months. I don't even have the excuse of cold weather since we have a treadmill in the basement. I even had a reminder on my iPhone to let me know when sign-ups started for the race. I talked to my husband about it for a bit but then didn't do anything about it.

I think for me the problem with following through is that sometimes (often?) I procrastinate for so long that I essentially take action by not taking action. I subconsciously decide I can't do it or won't succeed so by not trying at all, I can fool myself into thinking I may have accomplished it but ran out of time, or didn't try hard enough or some other such excuse.

When will I figure out that it's better to have tried and failed than to be stuck wondering what may have been...? Who knows, if I gave myself half a chance, I might realize that I'm actually good at something I thought I would fail at...I'll never know unless I try...

So, on that note, I just registered for the AF 10K - that's at least one concrete step I can take towards my goal. We'll see how it goes from here...

Wake-up Call

    For the last few days I have been tied to my bed. Not literally of course, but close enough. I somehow hurt my back Tuesday morning and it has been a slow road back.
    Anyone who knows me, knows I have had a life-long battle with my weight. I even have a second blog dedicated to that battle. I've tried pretty much every diet out there, some of them more than once. I know what I need to do (eat less, move more) but haven't found the right motivation (other than "be thin") to kick my butt in gear. I think maybe this past week has shown me what the future has in store if I don't make some serious changes - now.
    It has been miserable to lay in bed and watch my husband take care of everything (work, house, dinner, the baby, etc) and know that I was not only not contributing but was actually adding to the work load. For the first day or two I couldn't even pick the baby up and if he was in my arms it was excruciating if he wiggled at all. Ever hear of an 11-month old who doesn't wiggle? Me neither.
    That's not how I want my life to be. I want to be able to participate in family activities - fun, active activities. I want to watch my son grow up and to be a full participant in his growing up. I want to be able to go for a hike with my husband and not worry about whether or not I can make it to the top. I want to go for a bike ride and really enjoy it instead of always thinking about whether or not I have enough energy for the return trip. I want to be part of life not just watch it. Most of all, I want to use this body God has blessed me with for living life instead of abusing it and wishing things were different.
    Just the other day I was commenting on how I don't seem to have the "right" kind of motivation to lose weight and get healthy - now it seems I do. Living life is more than just being thin or fitting into a smaller size of clothing. It's about being an active participant. Whenever I'm about to make a bad choice or skip a walk, I need to remind myself how it felt not being able to pick up my son or to sit on the floor and play with him. If that's not a kick in the butt, I'm not sure what is...

Perception

One of the first things I remember being told as a 2nd Lt was that "perception is reality." That one sentence became my reality.

Looking back, I think I was way too worried about how other people may have perceived anything I said or did. It's easy to look back and see how we may have done things different. What's not so easy is thinking about what we may have missed out on due to the decisions we made.

I realize now that most people probably didn't even pay attention to things I said or did. If they did, it surely wasn't with as much attention as I feared. People are usually pretty self-involved and don't pay attention to things other than themselves.

I was so worried that as a single, female, maintenance officer, I couldn't show any weakness. I had to work harder, longer, better than everyone else or they would pounce. Really, what would anyone have done if I had screwed up? Usually, you got yelled at a bit and then everyone moved on - provided you didn't screw up again. I didn't want people to see or think that I didn't belong or that I didn't know what I was doing. If they saw weakness then the perception was (so I thought) that I was in over my head. Or that where there is one weakness, there are more...all they had to do was keep looking and they would see the cracks behind the facade.

I guess I was pretty self-centered myself thinking that everyone was watching me or waiting for me to screw up. I didn't treat others like that (even if they had screwed up) so why did I think people would be expecting, even waiting, for me to screw up?

Probably in the end, it was because I myself had the perception that I didn't belong. That I was a fraud. That if anyone took the time to really look at me, they would see the cracks in the foundation and my world would crumble and everything I knew and had worked for would fall apart.

I guess thinking about perception as reality is good to a certain extent. It helps you to trust your gut if you perceive that something is off or not right in a situation or with a person. However, living your life thinking, wondering and worrying about what other people think about your reality is like forcing yourself to live half a life.

It's something that I can see now, and can only hope that the half-life I've lived is over and I can now life my full life.

Journal

For Christmas, I received a Five-year journal. I love the idea of jotting down a few lines a day and having five years all in one spot.

I've kept a journal off and on for most of my life. Going through them though, I've noticed that I tend to talk about my feelings more than anything else and they were usually only sad or upset feelings. That, of course, is part of why I kept a journal. However, the older I get the more I realize how much I have forgotten and how I wish I had been a little more detailed concerning events in my life.

I don't remember details about trips I've taken, or people's names, or even some events. This is especially evident as I try to scrapbook. I have pictures that help me remember events but I can't remember who was with me or exactly when it occurred. Sometimes, I have only a couple pictures - and sometimes as I look back I realize I took only one or two pictures of really stupid stuff and not of anything that really mattered in the long run.

A lot of times I didn't take pictures because I didn't want to look silly or look like a "tourist." While I was deployed, I didn't take pictures of people or things around me - but I have a lot of pictures of the airplanes. Cool, but they don't really tell the story.

So between the lack of pictures and incomplete journaling, I feel as if I have gaps in my history.

Hopefully, the new journal will help me keep track of people and events a little better. By having limited space to write in, it seems less daunting - sometimes all that white space was overwhelming and kept me from writing anything at all. Now all I keep thinking is that even one line is better than nothing...

More

A few days ago, I read a blog post (can't remember where) on what word you would choose if you had to describe the coming year in one word. One word immediately jumped into my head.

More.

That's my word for this year. When I stop to think about it, it seems wrong to have a word like "more" to describe what I want for this year, yet it's the only word that keeps popping up.

When I think of this year, I want to be more active; pay more attention to detail; do more; be more; write more; love more; forgive more; etc.