Creek Fever

I don't watch scary movies because I don't want those images stuck in my head. I have a hard enough time with images stuck in my head from when I was a kid and watching scary movies was cool.

So, if I know that I can't ever get stuff out of my head once I have seen it, why is it that I keep watching sappy, unrealistic TV like Dawson's Creek? Sometimes, especially lately, I wonder if the reason I am so hard on my own life is because I somehow expect it to live up to the fantasy life I have seen on so many TV shows and movies.

It seems as if all my life I have wanted some ideal. At times, it's just me wanting to be perfect - for my real life to be a reflection of the life I feel I should be leading. Other times, it's my personal life. I want my family to be close and loving - people I know I can turn to no matter what, who will accept me and love me, no matter what. I want my friends to be the kind of friends who know everything about me and still love me. People who accept me for who I am but will also push me to do more and to be better.

In real (not reel) life, I feel like a stranger in my own family and most of my friendships seem to last only a few years and then somehow drift away.

Why do I watch Dawson's Creek when I know those images won't leave my head? When I know that, at least for a while, I turn into this strange kind of introspective geek who examines everything: events, what people say or didn't say, what I said or didn't say, every look, etc...if only I had the vocabulary of the "Creek Kids," then I could pretend I was one of them for a while...I definitely have the self-absorbed-life-revolves-around-me vibe going. At least for a little while.

Having moved around so much in the last 20 years, it's easy to see why I don't have the kind of life-long-lived-around-the-bend kind of friendships they show on Dawson's Creek. For better or for worse, I have a few friends that are friends no matter how long it has been since we last spoke. The kind of people who care about me enough to pick up where we left off 4 months ago, 2 years ago, or in some cases, 10 years ago or more. Those are the friends who really matter. The ones I wanted in my life back then, and want in my life today.

So, why am I hung up on the others? The ones who meant a lot at one point and are no longer part of my life for one reason or another? Maybe they were just meant to be in my life for that one season. They were there when I needed them, or I was there when they needed me, and then we both moved on. I can see how that makes sense, yet I still can't let it go. I feel as if it's some kind of judgement on me because they don't want to be in my life anymore. It's a struggle to just let it be and move on.

Maybe it's because I wonder if by fixing whatever went wrong in those relationships, then I can learn how to "fix" whatever is wrong with my familial relationships. If I knew how to fix whatever I did, maybe it would work to make my family love me more, want to be with me, want to share their lives with me, and would make them care enough to be part of my life...And again, I ask myself why I can't just let it be?

I have made a new family with Tom. And I am blessed with the love of a few wonderful friends. That should be more than enough. Most days it is. It's just when I catch "Creek" Fever and get too introspective that I let myself wander down this road. I just need to remind myself that I watch Dawson's Creek because it reminds me of friends who have wandered in and out of my life.

Whatever else it does or doesn't do, Dawson's Creek makes me remember my friends, old and new, and those who have moved on to other things. I am blessed whether they are still part of my life or not because for at least that one period of time, when I needed them most, they were there. So, I'll continue to pull out my DVDs and have a Dawson's Creek marathon every now and then. I'll get all angsty and introspective. And I'll remember my friends and count my blessings.