Could've, Would've, Should've...

Somehow, without quite meaning to, I seem to say one or more of those words on a regular basis. If not precisely out loud, maybe just having them bounce around in my head. Especially at this time of year when I look back on how things went compared to how I expected them to go.

There are so many things I could've done differently; things I should've done; things that would've happened if I had done the things I could've or should've done.

One of my best friends and her son died in a car accident at the beginning of January. I was crushed. I should've called her more; I should've gone to visit when planned; I could've seen her one more time at the A/TA convention...If only I hadn't gotten jealous over how she spent her time when she came to town, I would've gotten to see her again before she died.

I thought with all those could'ves and should'ves, I would've learned something and changed for the better. Seems as if I haven't, not really. Instead of doing what I could or doing what I "should", I still have a lot of could'ves and should'ves rattling around in my head.

I have learned to recognize the importance of friends and of not necessarily labeling those friendships. Or if I do put a lable on it, realize that maybe it isn't so important for those friends to use the same label as I do. It's great if someone is your "best friend," but that friendship in no way loses its value to you if that friend has a different "best friend" - not unless you allow it to lose value.

I have learned to appreciate time with friends and family even when I didn't really feel like seeing anyone (and it usually turned out great), because I never want to feel the way I did/do about losing Carrie again...not if I can help it.

This coming year will be more of the same - there will be many opportunities to spend time with friends and family. I, once again, have the chance to take action instead of just thinking about could'ves and should'ves after the fact. I have several trips planned that I am already a bit leery about (for various reasons). Yet, I know in my heart that while there may be some bumps, overall, they will be good experiences and hopefully bring me closer to those I am visiting.

I guess there will always be some could'ves, should'ves, and would'ves in life. All I can do is try to recognize them, learn from them and most of all, not dwell on them.

Additional thoughts: It has been two days since I wrote this post and "Could've, Would've, Should've" keeps coming up...while watching a Firefly marathon yesterday - one of the characters muttered "coulda, woulda, shoulda"...then today, a post* I was reading about New Years Resolutions, included the statement: "What you SHOULD or COULD do with your life no longer matters. The only thing that matters, from this day forward, is what you MUST do." It then said the only thing you must do is "LOVE."

*http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2008/16540.html

Socrates once said "Be as you wish to seem."

Those words seem to be somewhat simple and obvious. However, when one has spent the past 15 years or so being what others expect, things become a bit more complicated.

I plan to spend the next year (most likely the rest of my life) trying to figure out who I am, who I want to be and how I "wish to seem".

This blog is the first step in that process.

In this place, that is all mine, I can be myself as well as the person I want to be. It will be a place for me to say or think whatever I want without fear of being judged. I will question my thoughts and ideas in an effort to more fully explore the world around me. I hope at some point, to have dialogue with others - leading to more introspection and exploration.

Until then, this is the beginning of my quest to Explore Life.