Monday, January 5, 2009


In the two years since I left the Air Force, I have spent a lot of time thinking about the things I want to change in my life. One of the main things I wanted to change was how I tend to isolate myself. I wanted to be a better friend, a better sister, daughter, wife, etc. It is just now that I am starting to realize that instead of being "better" I may have moved even further away from people.

In the AF, it was easy to use my uniform, or my rank, to create an island where I stood alone and only rarely let anyone else come in close. Those I did allow in, were not allowed to stay for long as I meant to stay the way they pictured me in their minds instead of how they would come to see me if they were too close for too long.

I realized today that in place of my "rank" I have put on another "uniform," one that is much harder to see around and much harder to discard. I have made myself invisible to a large part of the population and most likely an object of some disgust to another part of it. By allowing myself to gain weight, or more correctly, by hiding behind food and thus my weight, I have created an even more isolated island and allowed even fewer people access.

In my heart I feel as if people do not want to know me, be near me or love me. The outward expression of those feelings is a large size which even I cannot bear to look at. Despite that, I am confused when people don't want to be with me or worse, don't even think of me. I desperately want to be liked, loved, even while I do not love myself.

I have seven brothers and sisters and not one of them is a friend - someone I have faith in to be there when/if I need them. One of them, refuses to speak with me at all and returned my Christmas card unopened. After a full year, he will not forgive me for a situation he perceives as my failure to support him. I feel as if he took advantage of me and then stabbed me in the back, yet I have tried to clear the air and move forward. As evidenced by the returned card - it is going nowhere.

Another sister, the one who should be closest to me, won't answer my calls, letters or e-mails. I have no idea why. The others, I find out more about them through comments from others on Facebook. They are strangers to me. People I would not, and did not, choose as friends but who are tied to me through blood or marriage. They don't seem to have a problem not knowing me or my life - so why do I let it matter that I am not a part of their lives? Why does it bother me that they don't think of me?

As far as friends go, I just found out that one of my oldest friends is not only married but has a son. Once again, I find myself shut out of a life I thought I was involved in. I have tried to be a friend, yet I am surprised over and over when I realize the lives of others move on and change without me.

In two years, if there has been any change at all, it has been for the worse. Yet, I must keep trying, or at the very least learn to accept myself for who I am and as I am, and cherish those who love me no matter what. They may be few and far between, but they are the ones who truly matter. The others, ah, the others...Those I must try to accept as they are when they are near and not focus on them or feel as if they are judging me when they choose to be far away. If I can learn to be happy with myself - the lack of closeness with others will hopefully cease to matter so much.

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