Fear

Fear is a great motivator. Fear is also a great equalizer. Fear can also freeze time and stop everything - no forward nor backward movement.

Most people fear something.  

Fear of sounding or looking stupid; fear of falling; fear of bugs; fear of flying...they range from those that sound silly to others to those most people can agree are worth fearing. The list of fears is as endless as there are creatures who can know the feeling of fear.

I've been thinking of fear and how it limits us (me) quite a bit the last couple months, even more so in the last day or two.

Those who know me, know for the last 8 years or so, I've had recurring headaches and migraines. I've tried everything from pills, to acupuncture, yoga, more pills, relaxation therapy, aromatherapy, supplements, hot/cold packs, more pills, etc...in other words, just about everything the doctors, well-meaning friends/family, and the internet can throw at me.

I was lucky enough that during my pregnancy and my son's first year I only had three or four migraines and even those were very mild (compared to what I had in the past). Over the last 6 months or so, they've been coming back with a vengeance.

Yesterday was probably the worst one I've had in years. To top it off, I was home alone with my 18 month old son. My husband came home as early as he could but with an hour long commute (not to mention work) he didn't get home until early afternoon. This was the exact fear that plagued me when we discussed having kids in the first place. What would happen if...?

By the afternoon I felt a bit better, but that's when the fear hit. If I go outside with them, will it get worse? If I get out of this bed? If I eat something? If I don't eat something? Round and round trying to second guess what may or may not have caused the migraine or what might bring it back. 

I decided that the fear of doing something to make a migraine strike again or make it worse is almost worse than the pain itself. I know that to get rid of a migraine I need solitary, cool, dark, silence - and sometimes meds. But what kind of life will I have it I let the fear drive me into a life of constant solitary, cool, dark, silence? 

While I sometimes joke that I go into my cave when I need to get away from life or stress or worries...I don't want to live there. I don't want fear of migraines to force me to live there. Yet, that's all I've known for so long. I had accepted it as my lot. Until I got pregnant and realized that it was possible to feel better and to have a real life with people, outside, in the light, with laughter, music and noise filling the air.

The fear is so much worse and the pain more frightening once you catch a glimpse of what life can and should be like. I want it back.